Sexuality

This week I got an email from an About.com reader who is in a loving relationship, with a man they adore, but who isn't having the kind of sex they want, isn't feeling the desire they crave, and doesn't see how anything could change.

I've known many people who were in perfectly terrible relationships - no communication, completely different values, different interests and aspirations - who nonetheless had great sex, regularly. And of course I've also spoken to many others who were in relationships that fit like a best friend, only without any sex. When you think about it, it's a pretty tall order to expect so much from one relationship. And if you're lucky enough to have honest conversations with lots of different people about relationships and sex you learn pretty quick that no one has it exactly easy.

What took me a while to think through before responding to this reader was that she identified the problem as being about her husband's disability. There were positions she wanted to do that he simply could not get into. He suggested modifications, she wasn't sure.

In my response I suggest that while she seems to know what she's looking for, she may be looking in the wrong place, and possibly missing the fact that this relationship could work. I think the barrier isn't his body or her body as much as it is the dilemma of wanting to want someone, but not wanting them. The fantasy of the perfect sexual partner is always within our masturbatory reach, but it's a fantasy and for those of us who want to make a life with people, sometimes you do have to turn away, momentarily, from the fantasy.

It's not the fun thing to do or always the sexiest thing to do, but if you want to be wanted back, it's kind of necessary.

Sex Question of the Week: I Wish I Wanted to Have Sex With My Husband

Read all About.com Sex Questions and Answers

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I have a serious crush on Kickstarter. If you aren't familiar with the site, they describe themselves as "the world's largest funding platform for creative projects." Through Kickstarter I've been a part of making eight books, five films, one calendar, one art show, one graphical assistive device, and one window farm company make their dreams a reality. Which also means I got all that stuff to show for it. Not all the projects I've backed with a contribution (I've given everywhere from $5 to $150) are related to sexuality, but for creative people who want to do work around sexuality Kickstarter offers an amazing way to find out if there's an audience for what you want to do, and if there is, to do the work exactly the way you want, and not simply the way that a publisher, distributor, or marketer things it will sell.

And it was through Kickstarter that I learned about photographer Barbara Nitke's newest project. American Ecstasy is a photo book collecting images and writing from 1982 - 1991 during which time Nitke shot publicity stills for hundreds of porn shoots in New York City.

I wanted to learn more about the project, so I asked Nitke if she would answer a few questions about her work, the new book, and crowd sourcing as an alternative to working with publishers.

You've been photographing sexuality, in various ways and through various lenses, for over 30 years. Have you noticed any changes in attitudes to your work and to the people whose lives you document?

I think people are becoming more open about sex, and more used to sex as a subject.  I guess you could say they're jaded or desensitized, but I see it as a positive change.  I've noticed that when I talk about my sexual photography, people ask a lot more questions than they used to.  And they usually just think it's interesting that I have chosen this subject.  Of course the change I'd love to see is more people hanging my work above their fireplaces!

Why are you publishing this collection now? Is it a nostalgic look back or do you see connections between how we are talking about and thinking about sexuality today and how we thought about it 30 years ago?

Actually I would have published it before if it had been possible.  I've been trying to find a publisher for years!   But the book contains hardcore images, and although many publishers like it, they have shied away from taking it on.

I finally decided that this is a good moment to do it myself.   I think the timing is good because people are more open to porn as a serious subject.  It's a nostalgic look back to a time when porn movies were made like real Hollywood movies, but it also deals with themes that are timeless.

In 2012 when porn chic has come and gone and the industry is financially imploding due in no small part to it's own myopic self-interest, I hate to sound cynical but can you tell me what's so interesting about porn sets and porn actors?

When I went to work on porn movies I was 31, and I was just coming into my own sexually, so being around so much sex at that moment in my life was very powerful.   In some ways the book is about my own coming of age and becoming comfortable with what would really become my lifelong subject, sex.

It's also about my exploration of the conundrum of sex workers.  Are they stars, taking charge of their lives?  Or are they victims, used and later discarded by a heartless industry?  It's an unanswerable question, but I believe it's well worth posing.

You chose to use crowd source funding via Kickstarter to publish this newest book.  One of the things I love about Kickstarter is the relationship it engenders between creator and audience.  What has the response been so far to the project?  Have people made suggestions or asked for anything in particular?  As an artist is this a necessary evil or do you see a benefit to the process?

I really love the process of creating something through Kickstarter.  People have written me to suggest how to promote the project and they have send wonderful notes of encouragement.  Some of my backers even threw a fundraising dungeon party for me!  I really enjoy sense of community that Kickstarter creates.

I also think it's a brilliant way to see if there is an audience for a project.  I figured out how much it will cost me to publish my book, and if I don't get enough backing, I'll know that the book won't have enough of an audience to warrant publishing it.  I'll be devastated, but I'll be saving myself a lot of heartache later on, along with a fortune in credit card debt!

For people who haven't been to the project page yet, can you tell us about some of the things people get for backing your project?

With a Kickstarter campaign, people who pledge money towards a project get rewards in return.  In my case they can get various sizes of prints from the book, classic postcards of the Pussycat Theater in New York, specially made jewelry from the images, and of course signed copies of the book itself when it comes out in October.

You've also become quite involved in activism around freedom of speech issues.  Given the amount of time you've spent documenting sexual sub-cultures, is this now part of your job?

Well I hope not!  It would be nice if they would quit passing laws against free speech, so people like me could just do our work.  I don't consider activism around free speech part of my job, it's just an outgrowth of who I am.  I can't sit silent and let my work get censored by unfair laws.  I understand if my work isn't someone's cup of tea, then of course they shouldn't look at it.  But it's unfair to silence hoards of artists just because some people find sexual imagery offensive.   But don't get me started!

Check out the American Ecstasy project page on Kickstarter.

Photo from American Ecstasy, used with permission by Barbara Nitke

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On Friday February 3 Brenda Greene passed away. Since 1987 Brenda was responsible for directing the school health programs for the National School Boards Association. She came in at a time when few were pushing for HIV/AIDS education in the schools and she was a tireless advocate for teachers and students, for good education and good health.

I never met Brenda but reading remembrances from colleagues who worked with her (as well as the memories that are posted here made me want to learn more.

National School Boards Association: NSBA Remembers Leading School Health Advocate

Related - Sexual Obituaries 2006 - 2011

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There are times when the saying "it's the thought that counts" fits. For example, if someone you don't know that well remembers your birthday, but forgets to buy you a gift, you might say "that's okay, it's the thought that counts" and mean it. But what if it's someone you are close to? Or a family member? Or what if it's any old friend and while they remember your birthday they neglect to call or email or even post something on your Facebook wall? They still thought about your birthday, only you never knew about it. Does there thinking count? And does it count as much as their actions?

I was thinking about this while answering a sex question from a reader. And it got me thinking about how these questions translate to sexual thoughts and actions. As a sex educator I'm often reminding people that our sexual thoughts and our sexual activities are different. Sometimes they match up, sometimes they don't. There's no reason they need to, and when it comes to sexual thoughts I'd say they all matter at least a little.

But let's say I really want to give my partner sexual pleasure, I think about it a lot, I may even worry about whether or not they are getting the pleasure they desire. But then when it comes down to it I'm too tired or too into my own pleasure and I don't turn my thoughts into actions. How likely is it that my partner - lying beside me unsatisfied while I drift off into blissful sleep - will say "don't worry, it's the thought that counts"?

In other words, how much does the thought count in bed? And how much of the answer has to do with the people involved as opposed to some philosophical understanding of the meaning of thought and action?

Read more: Sex Question of the Week: Selfish In Bed

Read all About.com Sex Questions and Answers

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Construction metaphors figure prominently in iconic images of erections. Tall objects built on a flat plane, penetrating the sky, standing firm and tall, immoveable and awe inspiring in their stand-out-ness, their pokey-tude.

But real erections aren't constructed from raw materials, they aren't built so much as they are evoked. And the analogy with construction falls apart completely when you consider that no one has complete control over their erections, and erections can disappear as easily as they arise.

A roller coaster car might be a more apt metaphor. One of the few things we can say with absolute certainty about erections is that they go up and the come down. If you have a penis in your life - your own or someone else's - the temptation to obsess over the meaning of a lost erection can be powerful. And while I love an unconscious motivation as much as anyone, in the case of penises going soft I think it's actually better to focus on what might be going on first before you begin to ruminate on the what-it-all-means part of it. After all, even Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes a lost erection is just that.

If you're looking for some help sleuthing your own personal mystery of the missing erection, here are some tips on where to start your search.

Read More - Penis Goes Soft: Reasons Why An Erection May Go Away

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In the past, if you had a stroke, a heart attack, or a more minor event that led to a diagnosis of cardiovascular disease and you asked your doctor about your options for having sex, the response wouldn't be very encouraging. Something along the lines of it being better safe than sorry, so why not wait. How long you had to wait, and exactly what you had to wait to do was never clear. But there wasn't much research to guide doctors, and in a society where sex is seen more as a perk and privilege of youth, the prudent advice was to be grateful you're alive, and not push it.

Over the past few decades that advice has changing, thanks in large part to two different but connected research agendas. On the one hand we now have a reasonable amount of data suggesting that sexual activity represents a minor risk to people with stable cardiovascular disease. On the other we have research that points to the many physical, emotional, and psychological benefits of regularly engaging in sexual activity. So doctors not only have some concrete answers about risk, but they also have very good reasons to encourage people to resume sexual activity.

Last week the American Heart Association released a scientific statement (available for free download here) which summarizes the most recent research and advises physicians on the importance of talking with patients about sexuality and supporting their overall health by supporting their sexual health. Here are a few highlights from the statement, and some of the things I most appreciated them including:

Risk of Pain, Heart Attack, and Death Is Very Low
Using a term that is sure to appear on some hipster Valentine's Day cards this year, the authors point out that experiencing coital angina (in other words pain caused by a heart problem during coitus) happens in about 5% of all reported cases of angina. In other words, if you're going to feel pain it's more likely that you'll notice it first while exercises, shoveling snow, or doing any number of other activities before you'll feel it during sex.

Looking at reports of heart attacks, less than 1% were caused by sexual activity. For people who have heart disease and are having regular sex the risk goes down even further.

Sudden death during sex is incredibly rare. Reviewing three studies of autopsy reports where the death was related to a cardiovascular event, around 1% of the deaths were reported to have occurred during intercourse. For whatever it's worth in 75% of those cases, the reported intercourse was of the "extramarital" kind (whatever that means), and was with a younger partner, immediately following "excessive food and alcohol consumption". This is taken from medical reports of course, so there are probably major details being left out. Nonetheless, take out the drinking and the Oysters Rockefeller, and better yet, be honest with your partner about your sexual desires, and your chances of dying should bo way down.

Narrow Focus of Previous Research
It was nice to see the authors highlight how most of the research we have is based on heterosexual men engaging in penile-vaginal intercourse. These men aren't the only ones who get heart disease, and there's more to sex than intercourse.

Counseling Is Needed
The statement advocates for physicians to begin counseling their patients on the general low risk of sexual activity, as well as specific information they need regarding birth control, pregnancy, the use of erectile dysfunction drugs, and more. The authors highlight depression and anxiety as two common experiences that are related to cardiovascular disease which can on the one hand make engaging in sexual activity more challenging, and on the other are experiences that can be to some extent alleviated by pleasurable sexual activity.

More About Sex and Heart Health From About.com:

• Tips on Talking with Your Doctor About Sex and Heart Disease
• Sex and Heart Attacks
• Recommended Sex Positions Following a Heart Attack
• Sexual Dysfunction and Heart Disease
• Sexuality After Stroke

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A new film, The Surrogate, has it's first screening on Monday at the Sundance Film Festival. According to the description of the film in the festival program, it's based on the writings of Mark O'Brien. O'Brien was a journalist and poet who wrote frankly and vividly about his life, most of which was spent inside an iron lung. One of his most shared pieces of journalism was an article he wrote about seeing a sexual surrogate. That article used to be available for free online but unfortunately it seems to have disappeared. Apparently this film is about the relationship between Mark and the surrogate he hired, Cheryl Cohen Greene.

Given Hollywood's track record when it comes to representing disability on film it's hard to imagine a film could do justice to O'Brien, whose words could cut through so much bullshit while at times elevating potty talk to an art form (see for example his poem Letter to an Orange County Social Worker published in Mouth Magazine).

That the director, Ben Lewin, identifies himself as disabled, and in fact acquired his disability as a result of polio, may lead one to think the representations will be more complicated. Watching an interview with the director where he refers to O'Brien's "little journey to manhood" isn't a great sign, but it's not fair to pre-judge. It could be a tremendous dramatic feature, and having had friends who have worked as sexual surrogates, and plenty more who do other kinds of sex work**, there is no doubt that the relationships are complicated and rich.

If you're interested in seeing an actual representation of Mark's life and work before you see the fake one, I can't recommend enough the Academy Award winning documentary that Jessica Yu made with and about Mark, Breathing Lessons. And by some act of grace, the film is available for viewing online, for free!

SnagFilms.com - Watch Breathing Lessons

**I want to point out that most sexual surrogates would take exception to me connecting their work to sex work. Officially surrogates almost always distinguish what they do from sex work, and this is their right. I tend to see the distinctions as having varying degrees of legitimacy, and I see far more similarities than differences. But that is only one perspective.

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It may be hard to imagine sex without moving, but sometimes it's the moving that makes it hard to imagine ever having sex.

This week instead of answering one sex question in particular I took inspiration from about a half dozen questions I've received over the past year all about whether or not it's "normal" for your sex life to slow down after you move in with a partner.

Of course "normal" is code, and in this case I think it's code for a few things: predictable, okay, understandable, something to worry about.

I tried to write a response using as little code as possible, and to offer some post-moving sex tips for those who are unhappy with the situation, whether it's okay or not.

Read more: Sex After You Move In Together

Related: Sex Tips for the Rest of Us

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I'm already getting excited about this year's Sex::Tech conference. For the past five years ISIS has organized a one of a kind international conference devoted to the newest developments in sexual health and technology. One thing I'm often struck by is how the most successful projects are often the simplest. Recently I heard about a new app which I think is a good example of this. I wanted to know more so I virtually sat down with Maureen Kelly, who is part of the team behind the new app and the Vice President for Programming and Communications at Planned Parenthood of the Southern Finger Lakes, which commissioned the app.

When I first saw the name of your app, Pee in Peace, I thought maybe it was some kind of white noise generator, designed for people with shy bladders.  But that's not it at all. Can you explain what the app does?

I love your idea, maybe the next version could have a soundtrack as well!  The app is a very simple GPS-enabled service to help someone in Ithaca, New York quickly and easily find a single stall or gender neutral restroom.  Once a restroom is selected from the vetted list, the app will provide either walking or driving directions for quick access.  The app provides detailed location info (e.g., 'go to the right of the bakery counter at the back of the hallway'), information about wheelchair accessibility, hours the restroom is open and if the restroom is publish or for customers of a business.

Aren't the locks on bathroom stalls enough to let us all pee in peace?   Why is this needed?

We wish a lock was enough!  Sadly, the day to day reality for many people who do not readily fit into expected and conventional norms of gender presentation, a public bathroom can be a hostile and violent place.  We drew research and inspiration from the amazing work of the Transgender Law Center, if you're someone who likes seeing the data in detail, please check out their PDF. You can also read more about bathroom woes from a former peer educator, here.

As the partner of a trans person for almost 20 years, I have watched the discomfort and concern take hold and impact the simple act of being able to safely find and use a public restroom while out at a movie or the grocery store.  Many people don't bat and eye but when someone does take notice it can be jarring and quite frightening; I realize that the app will not help change those attitudes and beliefs that inspire bigotry and cruelty toward people who may not readily fit into expected and conventional norms of gender presentation...but hopefully it can help to just find a decent place to pee in a  sometimes cruel and narrow-minded world.  You have to start somewhere.

 

How did you develop the list of bathrooms?

With grant funds we were able to hire two college students from Ithaca College to walk and drive around town and create a very long list of restrooms.  We then worked together with Planned Parenthood staff, local LGBT leaders, and community volunteers to come up with questions and criteria to use to rate each restroom and decide if they were worthy of inclusion on our list.

Are you able to see how many people are using the app?  What sort of feedback have you been getting?

We just launched the app this week so we'll have to see!  And the feedback so far - as we were developing the concept and now that it has launched - has been positive and grateful.  We've been most touched by the immediate appreciation from people who totally get it and tell us how personally useful it is to have the info at the touch of a screen.

It's funny how things that we touch can touch us back. Are there plans to expand the app outside of Ithaca and outside of those who have iPhones?

Yes, we do indeed know that not everyone has an iPhone...we are seeking funding for a Droid platform and will continue to work on increasing access to info to let everyone pee in peace. We have big dreams about new locations and we welcome inquires about becoming a Pee in Peace Partner in other regions!

Find Out More - Pee in Peace

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If you haven't figured out what you're doing on Valentine's Day yet (and if you have, how are you that organized, or into Valentine's Day?) I recommend you spend part of it with Nancy Schwartzman.

Not in person. That might be weird (after all I don't know her very well and she may have plans already). But online. You should see her online.

She'll be screening her short documentary film XOXOSMS: The Internet Love Documentary several times throughout the day, and then following it up with a live panel discussion featuring with some pretty great bloggers and writers talking about 21st century dating.

I got to see a preview of the film last night. I watched it online with my partner, who is living 500 miles away, while we were both on Skype. Which seemed fitting since the film is all about online relationships, like the kind we're having.

XOXOSMS follows Gus and Jiyun, who connect, and fall in love, online without ever meeting in real life. They eventually decide to meet in person and the film takes us along for the intimate, sometimes awkward, but ultimately fascinating ride.

The film does an excellent job of conveying the kind of intimacy that builds, and builds quickly, when you are communicating with someone online. It may resonate less for those who haven't spent hours on IM, Skype, or email, finding ways to express excitement, curiosity, desire, and longing in a medium that, on the surface of it, seems to be set up for anything but emotional expression. But for anyone who has tried Internet dating, flirted online, or even spent a bit too much time on Facebook, XOXOSMS takes you there in a way that few other documentaries have.

So much exploration of online intimacy is really just code for cybersex. XOXOSMS stands out as a rare film about online relationships that isn't about sex, at least not in any obvious way. This isn't cybersex as we know it, but it is a very real story about the way millions of us are connecting online.

What's nice is that the film offers more than just theory or talking heads explaining how, yes Virginia, you can feel something when you're online. Gus and Jiyun talk about their experiences, but they also share with us a live history of their online connections, the emails, the IMs, the Skype calls, all of which, thanks to the web, are documented and archived.

Through these interactions we're able to see for ourselves how communication technologies can simultaneously extend and produce emotional intimacy. I was particularly struck by the scenes where they are communicating online using video and text but no voice. The immediacy of the interaction and what can only be described as a kind of physical chemistry they share, challenges traditional ideas of which forms of communication are most human, most valuable, most intimate.

For educators XOXOSMS provides an invaluable tool, offering a quick way into conversations about intimacy in platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships, about sexuality more broadly, about desire and identity, and finally about technology and it's role in human interactions.

Now I wasn't joking about this being a perfect Valentine's Day thing to do. While I was watching it, both my partner and I were confused at times when we would hear familiar clicks, dings, and whooshes, thinking that the sounds were coming from our computers, announcing the arrival of some new email, IM, or download. In fact they were part of the soundtrack of the film. But each time it happened it made us aware of the ways that these sounds have come to have emotional meaning for us, and how much of our relationship currently is tangled up in technology. It inspired a conversation about our relationship, about intimacy, about sex and love, that was surprising, but welcome.

It's not a bad thing to do any day, but seems particularly welcome on Valentine's Day.

Find out more about XOXOSMS.

Get a reminder about the Valentines Day screening

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