Jacking the Box Office

If Hollywood movies were meant to represent something like real life, there would be far fewer boring sex scenes, and a lot more masturbation. But mainstream movies aren’t supposed to be like life at all, so the sex we see on the big screen looks nothing like our actual sex lives, and masturbation is relegated to indie films and teen comedies.

In honor of masturbation month I decided to compile a list of the best known masturbation scenes in mainstream movies. It didn’t take me long to notice that, with the exception of some comedies, masturbation scenes in movies are often far more authentic than their populous - and popular - counterparts. The premises and performances in the masturbation scenes below ring true in a way that partner sex scenes rarely do. Which makes you wonder why some actors can do masturbation so much better than partner sex?

The list below is a compilation of some of the best, worst, and most famous masturbation scenes in mainstream movies. If you want to add your favorites in the comments I’ll add them to the final list for all to (hopefully) enjoy.

Last Tango in Paris (1972)
Masturbation is just one of the many sexual places Maria Schneider and Marlon Brando visit in this classic buttery film.

Amarcord (1973)
The sexual frustrations of boyhood are played out humorously in a group masturbation scene where the boys shout out the names of their desired fantasy girlfriends.

Being There (1979)
Apparently many actors refused the role played so brilliantly by Shirley Maclaine because of this lengthy and sincere masturbation scene.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
It’s impossible not to cringe with some recognition during the pirate costume, Phoebe Cates inspired, and ended, bathroom masturbation scene.

Matador (1986)
The opening scene uses unexpected masturbation to set the tone of the entire film about sex and death.

Leolo (1992)
A boyhood masturbation scene involving liver (and a less successful one involving chicken) won’t be crowd pleasers among vegetarians or vegans.

Single White Female (1992)
An intentionally creepy scene where the SWF is getting off and “interrupted” by her unwitting and disturbed victim to be.

Spanking the Monkey (1994)
In some ways a movie all about masturbation (and other things) and the frustration a lack of privacy (both physical and psychological) can create.

Pleasantville (1998)
This beautiful masturbation scene should be required viewing for anyone who wonders about the power of sex.

The Slums of Beverly Hills (1998)
Natasha Lyonne (the only actor who is in three movies on this list) tries out her cousin’s vibrator.

There’s Something About Mary (1998)
Ben Stiller’s masturbation scene is a perfect example of how far you can go in a movie if you just don’t talk about what’s really on people’s minds (or in their hair).

American Pie (1999)
Probably the most frequently referenced modern teen movie about four guys trying to lose their virginity, featuring a masturbation scene with apple pie, the eponymous dessert of the film.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)
They had to cut a masturbation scene to get an R rating, but what’s left in is still brilliant and the film overall is great.

Coming Soon (1999)
A surprisingly realistic performance of hot tub masturbation in this teen comedy about sex from a young women’s perspective.

American Beauty (1999)
Another frequently spoofed fantasy/masturbation scene complete with cheerleading, rose petals, and a very hot shower.

Mulholland Drive (2001)
Does anyone do spooky, disturbing, confusing and sexy like David Lynch. Naomi Watts masturbation scene is only one of the many real and implied sexual hot points in this film.

Auto-Focus (2002)
Greg Kinnear (playing Bob Crane of Hogan’s Heroes “fame”) and Willem Dafoe totally commit to this masturbation scene.

Secretary (2002)
If there were an Academy Award for best masturbation portrayal, Maggie Gyllenhaal deserves a lifetime achievement statute for her masturbatory turn in a bathroom stall.

40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
Masturbation the way Betty Dodson recommends, complete with mood music, candle light, and laughs.

Babel (2006) Probably the most recent example, a brief masturbation scene featuring a young Moroccan boy who had been spying on his sister.