Is Cybersex Cheating – Media Take #186
I almost don’t want to recommend you watch the second part of this Morning Show with Mike and Juliet segment about sex in Second Life. It’s so tiresome and frustrating that the media take every opportunity to talk about sex and technology and turn it into a lets-express-our-personal-fears-and-anxieties free for all without a hint of self-awareness.
This segment was all the more frustrating because both hosts seem to be teasing us by almost getting to the heart of the matter. Juliet starts off strong pointing out that what a lot of sex in virtual spaces is about is blurring the lines between what is real and what is virtual. And at the end of the first segment Mike actually distinguishes between emotional and physical sexual experiences and draws attention to how teledildonics and the concept of virtual touch is forcing us to confront the ways we privilege the physical over emotional, psychological, or spiritual experiences. Then there’s the second part of the segment.
The entire piece is focused on Second Life businessman Kevin Alderman (aka Stroker Serpentine founder of Strokerz toyz) who develops software to let people explore their sexuality in Second Life. In the second part of the segment they have Kevin’s RL wife, Debra on. Debra is clearly a smart, thoughtful, and articulate woman, and from the segment it certainly looks like they have a healthy, loving relationship (and they clearly both have good sense of humor). But once she’s on stage the conversation devolves into a debate about why on earth she should trust her husband who is cavorting online and has a “wife” in Second Life.
Debra does her best to keep the conversation interesting. When asked how she can stand the idea that her husband has virtual sexual interactions she suggests that we might need to think of virtual interactions differently than real life ones. She uses an example of an actor who does a sex scene for a movie. Are they cheating? Would it make a difference if they were naked and making out? What about if they actually got turned on? Unfortunately what might have been an interesting discussion turns out to be nothing more than the same old vague and ignorant rantings of a so-called Internet addictions specialist and two hosts who seem genuinely interested in the subject, but genuinely confused as to how to think outside their particularly tiny boxes.
I applaud Kevin and Debra for trying, and think they did a great job of presenting not only virtual sexuality but human sexuality as a complicated experience deserving of multiple interpretations. I only wish I had been on stage with them to help, it probably would have been in vain, but it would be more satisfying than talking to my TV which is what I did.
Watch the Video – The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet: Second Life Wives
Related – Is Virtual Sex Real Sex?
Nice post Cory.
There is often alot of issues as to whether ‘flirting’ or ‘dating’ on the internet is a form of cheating. In my personal opinion, I believe it is as the person isn’t showing their complete commitment to their partner. And also, there is an industry that is supporting it that you can easily see in the adsense advertisements with people seeking to spice up their romantic lives as well. But who know’s? They could be people just suffering a bout of impotence anyway…
To me, cybersex is not cheating, it’s a harmless fantasy and can perhaps even spice up a person’s love life if done correctly. But what happens if it is taken too far? Suppose the person is using cybersex as an excuse to avoid real sex? Perhaps then, it is a problem.
I have heard from many friends and customers alike who are apparently doing this via discussion boards, personals, match sites, sex sites, etc, even though they are either married or ‘attached’. I have certainly had my share of those very same guys posing as ’singles’ on the match sites where my profile has been up…geez, life isn’t complicated enough to have a relationship with a single person, never mind a triangle or for some, a polygon???
Now, look, I can truly buy the harmless fun thing. But the bleeding heart of me wonders how their ‘other’ would react if they came across some of the remnants of their perceived harmless play. I honestly don’t think I could be ‘big’ enough not to let it bother me, and would really struggle without coming off as the jealous victim. Maybe it’s a woman thing, as the first thing we wonder is “What’s wrong with me?”, or “Am I not enough?” or “Is he just keeping me around until the next best thing comes along”. I wonder if men would feel the same way?
So, I ask the questions: Is revealing one’s personal desires, fantasies, even personal body parts not really revealing if it isn’t done in person? Is it any different to flirt with someone across a bar than behind the screen of a computer? Does it matter only if you are married or committed to someone? What if you aren’t, but dating regularly and sharing intimacy with someone who believes you they are the only one?
Sound like I am confused?
Yea…bring me back to pre-computer days where these things seemed to be more black and white. But, if I were married, and my husband played with a ’second wife’ in his spare time, I wouldn’t be married very long.
Wow.
That clip from Good morning made frustration boil up inside me. That was positively annoying how they wouldn’t let Debra talk or state her opinion. They just went straight to the hoity toity specialist.
People really need to think outside the box. Its absolutely infuriating.
Have we ever bothered to physically meet these online gods and goddesses? If it weren’t for the deceptions, meeting them would be hilarious! One thing lacking in cyberspace is accountability, but hey, we don’t care about that, right?
Why are so many people quick to revert to a “me — not us” mode whenever a new technology presents itself? Sure, I’m simplifying things here, but the answers to all of this are quite simple and not as convoluted as others might have us think.
Let’s see here; there are only have 24 hours in a day, and part of that day should be spent on maintaining a healthy relationship with my flesh-and-blood, feeling, partner. Where am I going to steal time for a cyber romance? From work? Oh, I see; from my time with my partner– and they should be happy with that? How much of my time and effort is being spent nurturing a relationship, versus thoughts and actions that could damage a relationship? How are my thoughts and actions taking my partner’s feelings into account, or am I denying (and thus invalidating) them in my other thoughts and cyber pursuits?
“…forsaking all others” was the old code of marital conduct, absolute in letter and in spirit. Now we have “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’”, relationship rules-lawyering, and other forms of self-serving loopholes in the monogamy game. What if one were to forget all that nonsense and get back to relationship basics? How about being genuine and having earned trust with daily time invested in building a healthy relationship? What about honesty of true intent, and sincere affection?
(How transparent are my cyber activities to my partner? Is anything at all being hidden from them? If so, why? Am I protecting me, or am I protecting them from me? To protect them? From what, my thoughts and actions; from my selfishness? Is it to protect me from accountability? Oh, I forgot to mention that all that stuff is private.)
Yes, I want to get sexually stimulated and [potentially emotionally] involved with someone who I really don’t know. They are not people to me; they are only an Object to me. I want my “relationship” to end with a “delete” button press. I want to avoid the reality of other peoples’ feelings, including my spouse’s. Sign me up!
I am the scared, lonely person; I am the cheating professional; I am the bum living off of my grandmother; I am the phishing Nigerian “barrister” of either sex; I am someone with a vested interest in this activity. I want to be someone I’m not. Thankfully, these websites don’t have Feedback ratings on “personality profiles” and there is no easy way to track the damage in my wake. I don’t have to be accountable. I can even pay for my cyber subscriptions with someone else’s credit card. I want. I want. I want. I, I, I. It’s the fun, easy, lazy, cowardly way. See you in cyberspace.
On a more serious note: do I want to take a chance with someone who is undisciplined in the skills of healthy relationships, when there is someone else worthy of one’s better sense out there in the real world? Cyber-relationships have the opportunity (or risk) of becoming substitutes for the real thing, without the real-world skill-building or physical investment. If the mate’s thoughts and actions are incongruent with a healthy committed relationship, I say dump ‘em, fast and clean. I don’t expect others to agree with me. On the other hand, repeating mistakes (others’ and my own) is stupid as far as my own life is concerned.
Comment back to James…
Thank you.
Well lets start with, I just got engaged 9/27 (my birthday). Later that weekend myfiance’ was at my house and used my laptop…he left his email logged in when he left. We have a lot things going on through emails so I checked the inbox. Lo and behold I found replies to personal ads. Now I was curious…I know that going thru his email was the worst thing I could have done, but I couldn’t help myself. One stuck out like a sore thumb..18 emails between the two of them in 3 days. The last of which he told her he was going to be in her part of the country in the fall and he would love to meet up with her. He told me he was going to Asia on business. Well I emailed this woman and we chatted back and forth until the sun came up. She is no longer interested in him because her ex had done the same thing to her and she felt betrayed and belittled by it. I spoke to him about this and he says he was only messing with their heads. However now the business trip has been cancelled…HMMM
Jeane
I am so crazy in love with this man and I find myself doubting my own judgement and I can feel my self esteem melting away. The awful dread of feeling inadequate scares me to tears. To me it is cheating. He says he has stopped but now I find that he has lied to me about cancelling his subscriptions to dating websites. Engaged for a month and I’m not for sure if I can go through with this.
Hi Jeane,
Thanks for your comment, I’m sorry to hear about this situation which sounds like it’s pretty stressful. To be clear, I absolutely think that people can use the Internet to engage in unethical behavior and do things that are hurtful both to themselves and to others. My issue is that the media tends to attack the technology and rarely looks at the relationship. So in the case of Kevin and Debra, they have very good communication and clear boundaries. This makes for a healthy relationship. When we’re in relationships that feel inauthentic or where we know our partner is outright lying to us, that can sometimes feel (and be) unhealthy. I can’t speak directly to your situation since I don’t know you but I can say that if you’re feeling unsure you shouldn’t ignore those feelings. Having trusted friends, family, and maybe a counselor in the mix may help you figure out what you want to do next.
Cory