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Cory Silverberg

Why I Love Premature Ejaculation

By July 22, 2009

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It has nothing to do with getting to watch the end of The Daily Show, and itís not because it lowers the bar for the next time. But there are a couple very good reasons to love premature ejaculation.

I wouldnít say I love premature ejaculators, thereís too many and Iím not sure I have that much love to share. But after giving it serious thought I can say with conviction that I love the fact of premature ejaculation. Here are my top two reasons.

Premature ejaculation, like most anything that happens in our body, happens for a reason. We donít know what that reason is, in fact we have no idea what causes premature ejaculation, but when it happens (and it happens to everyone with a penis that ejaculates) itís an opportunity to do something most of us never do; question why we have sex in the first place.

After all, the idea of premature ejaculation presupposes that there is a clear end goal, and that youíre getting there too soon. It also presupposes that extending sex is an obvious goal of sex. If youíre ejaculating before you want to, or before your partner wants to, the first thing you ought to do is ask yourself, what is it that I want to extend? Is the sex Iím having good enough to want to make it last longer? Am I coming quickly because really, thereís not much to wait around for? And do I want the goal I set for sex to be one that requires a stopwatch to evaluate?

What if all you wanted from a sexual encounter was to feel good? If ejaculating prematurely feels bad then youíve got a good reason to learn to control ejaculation. If it doesnít, then maybe whatís required is a conversation with your sexual partner about what they want, and how you can make sure you both get what you want, how you want it.

The second reason I love premature ejaculation is that it provides an interesting counter narrative to the traditional story we tell ourselves about male sexuality. Male sexuality is simple, we say. Guys are either on or off, and really, nudge-nudge-wink-wink, theyíre always on. The penis is a obvious, visible organ, no where near as mysterious or complicated as the vulva, clitoris, vagina, or anus.

But if any of this were true, how come we canít figure out definitively why men premature ejaculate?

Iím being a little tongue in cheek here. I donít love the anxiety that premature ejaculation creates, and I donít love the ways that we make ourselves feel inferior and inadequate when premature ejaculation strikes, but I know that Iím a much smarter person and suspect that I may even be more fun in bed for having experienced it. At least thatís what I tell myself.

Read more Ė Premature Ejaculation: Definitions, Causes, and Treatments

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Comments
July 22, 2009 at 9:21 am
(1) Dry Roasted says:

Another reason for those guys who have premature ejaculation is at least you are having ejaculation success. And, with practice or some meds that delay ejaculation you will be able to ejaculate during intercourse. Some have the opposite problem and can do a 2 or 3 hour wrestling match with their partner and never ejaculate with intercourse. Yes, speaking from experience. I once had a 3 hour erection. Envious? Don’t be. I had taken some Cialis and was determined to ejaculate having intercourse,but it didn’t happen. I finally masturbated and that took care of things. I’d really would have been worried if the erection hadn’t went away. It’s difficult to compare male sexual issues,but I’d take the premature ejaculation at this point.

The main point is yes males have a lot of issues with erections and ejaculations. And, it sucks,but that is real life not porn life where they shoot scenes to get things just right.

July 22, 2009 at 12:45 pm
(2) ShyIconoclast says:

My wife loves it when I occasionally come fast. She feels it shows how excited I am about her and fucking her.

July 22, 2009 at 1:46 pm
(3) White Russian says:

One of the big contributing factors to premature ejaculation may be an inability to integrate a wide variety of stimuli and only focusing on the sensation in the genitals. Men who pefect the art of lovemaking are able to sustain longer erections (without the harmful side affects of medications) because they are able to focus on sensations all over their body, as well as possess full awareness of the energy coming from the partner. It becomes more about the whole experience.

Another contributing factor is pumping too damn hard… slow down! take it easy!!! it’s not a marathon

July 22, 2009 at 1:49 pm
(4) candye says:

I like the idea that premature ejaculation can be used to examine what we are getting from our sexual experience. I like that we can use it as a springboard for discussion with our partners ie; if she needs more thrust and we have already ejaculated, we could satisfy her with dildos or in some other way be part of her orgasmic experience. But sexual intercourse is still a physical interaction between two people, and when the sexual experience and orgasm is experienced together, simultaneously, it can be emotionally and physically empowering. The goal should be for both of us to have a satisfying, fulfilling and maybe even beautiful sexual experience. The problem is that premature ejaculation seems selfish (and sometimes is) because he has done it alone, without his partner. its almost like masturbation because she isnt ready or finished but he has and then he feels guilty and she feels rejected and alone. I love your ideas to discuss the issue and continue the sexual play without ending it badly but there are other ways around this problem that need to be addressed.

July 22, 2009 at 5:18 pm
(5) Sexpert says:

I would much rather my husband have pre-mature ejaculation, than the opposite! I’ve been with lovers who have taken forever (well it seemed like forever!) to orgasm! Not only am I sore afterwards, I just don’t want sex again for a long, long time! As it turns out, my husband is a little bit of a premature ejaculator – it mostly depends on the circumstances… He tells me it’s b/c of me, that I turn him on so much. I’d like to believe that one so I don’t question it! lol

July 24, 2009 at 2:19 pm
(6) Becky says:

I love that your spin on this is that PE is an opportunity to think about why you have sex. As you said, if it’s only for an orgasm, then why would PE be a problem?

I also like to remind couples that sex doesn’t have to end when a man has PE. Too many people see it as a failure and stop or have an emotional reaction. Instead, they can continue (if they CHOOSE to) to enjoy each other in many sensual and sexual ways.

We need to stop being so genital and orgasm focused!

July 24, 2009 at 2:45 pm
(7) david says:

this is a really interesting viewpoint

perhaps a good rule to set for couples is to never end sex when ejaculation happens.. too often sex finishes when the man is “finished”. just like a good book, the climax is never on the last page.

sorry if that was too clichť!

July 26, 2009 at 11:29 am
(8) Jon R. says:

I wonder why the twin phenomenon of retarded ejaculation doesn’t get the press that premature ejaculation receives. Possibly because unlike the premature version, retarded ejaculation is often caused by expensive drugs (anti-hypertensives, anti-depressants are celebrated culprits) and it would not serve the drug industry to publicize the problem? I experienced this dismal effect of both classes of drugs but discussion with my physician resulted in satisfactory changes of medication.

As for premature ejaculation — I can only remember it happening exactly once, and that was when my partner had done something very, er, dramatic and exciting. I found myself completely out of control at that point. It seemed faintly comical even then, and I apologized… But he didn’t seem to mind. He was sleepy anyway.

And yes, I found Cory’s remarks thought-provoking and novel. I’d never looked at p. e. as an opportunity for discovery. Certainly it could be.

August 24, 2009 at 11:46 pm
(9) eric says:

Well, this is a very nice gift, showing sensitivity to those that are tortured by this malady. From one who suffers from P.E., I can only say, it has ruined my romantic life. Almost every woman I have been with (about 5 at 45 years) has exited with, ” I can’t love you the way that you love me.” Ha! How revealing.

I think it would be a nice alternative to meet a female who could cope long enough to discover the philosophical questions raised in this article; unfortunately, they are few and far between who can get past their own needs/wants to get to this point. Hence my desire for death.

We can figure out how to annihilate entire populations without ruining their real estate, but be can’t fix this simple problem – yay humans! What a bunch of monkeys we are.

August 26, 2009 at 2:37 pm
(10) ruth says:

my boyfriend is fast, not premature. he doesnt take long to finnish. but i dont mind because to me it is a tease. sure he may get to finnish more than i but i get to enjoy that heightened feeling from several quickies and when i finally finish its a big one. he is great.

October 18, 2009 at 5:43 pm
(11) stopthecut says:

I was one of those who took way too long. My wife would be very sore, and she did not enjoy that aspect of our sex life.
My basic problem is that my circumcision (as an infant) left me with very little sensation. It gets worse with age and condom use becomes impossible.
I was so distraught about what was happening to me I started a web site to let people know not to cut their boys. Just teach them to wash, and wear condoms.

May 27, 2010 at 12:01 am
(12) bishkek says:

I sometimes ejaculate very quickly, its not a big deal! Its easy to keep it going, keep it hard, just be prepared for it when it happens.

1. Explain to your partners what is going to happen.
– She can help make it a seemless event by being ready to change positions.

2. Have a second condom out, some towelettes, and be careful during the change over not to get anything on the second condom. Give yourself a quick wipe down just to make sure. Turn back to your lady and get back to it. Also masturbate while making the change.

After a few times you will find that you can go for at least another 30 minutes.

PS > Make sure you keep things quick after, if its slow you may go soft, but if she is looking for high stimulation rather than the “love” part of sex, she won’t mind it quick.

Develop a routine.

April 12, 2011 at 9:23 am
(13) Forzest says:

At least some are lucky that they can ejaculate after intercourse. I said this because my friend is suffering from sexual dysfunction and he is not able to attain erection also, ejaculation is far way. Premature ejaculation is not serious problem because it can be treated by medicines like viagra or by doing Kegel’s exercise. And by the way sex is not the only thing in life.

August 3, 2012 at 3:59 am
(14) Daaave says:

I’m a premature ejaculator. I always have been. And I’m okay with that. I like ejaculating fast, usually within a minute or sometimes a few minutes. When I’ve lasted 10 minutes or so, it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t seem normal to me. So a quick ejaculation is what I’m used to and prefer having.

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