Change comes to retail sex slowly. I got my first job in a sex shop in 1987 and over the almost quarter century I've been in the industry there's been a major change in the way retail sex shops present and provide services to customers. Much of the change has been superficial, but some of it hasn't. And what's most exciting about these changes is that they have come on the one hand from sexually progressive people entering the industry and on the other from consumers who are becoming more and more empowered to demand and expect quality products and good customer service.
I haven't seen the same kind of change in the sex toy home party business. The biggest companies have cleaned up their act, a lot. They have smarter marketing material and full time publicists. They offer a fascinating mix of language co-opted from both second and third wave feminist discourse around sexuality and like so many pink ribbon marketers, they've discovered the value of topics like sexuality and cancer. But looking through their catalogs they still sell the same old crappy products at prices well above any reputable sex shop. And most still rely on tired gender and sex stereotypes that may make people feel comfortable at first, but ultimately fail consumers and sales reps alike.
Love U Parties is a new home party company promising to do things differently. There's one reason to believe in that promise and trust they'll deliver. And that's the company president, Ducky Doolittle. Ducky has looked at the sex toy industry from just about every angle. She's been a retailer, a home party salesperson, a trainer, and a consultant. She's also an author, foster care activist, and my number one choice for anti-establishment motivational speaker of the year.
Sometime between unwrapping her new support staff and recording voice mail greetings, I asked Ducky to answer a few questions about how she plans to change the industry and the world with Love U.
You mentioned to me that direct sales and home party companies have been around for 150 years, and I know that even before home parties there were romantic product salesmen going from town to town with a "magic" suitcase. What do you think it is about sex toys and home parties that is such a good fit?
The number one way we learn anything in life, whether it's sex or politics or religion, is through gossip. The truth is that each and every one of us is a sex educator. We have to educate ourselves, our parents, our friends. It's just a matter of how well informed you choose to be.
A home party situation is beautiful because people are being invited into a friend's home for a fun light-hearted conversation. Traditionally this is the way women would teach other how to can peaches and all sorts of little life skills! Home parties are the perfect place for these kinds of conversations.
A lot of times what you end up with is friends teaching each other about their own bodies. We lay the foundations for people to open up and have great conversations, and it's the product that allows us to do that.
To me the toys are teaching tools. They give a person a fun, legitimate way to take control of their bodies, their sex lives, and their consciousness. It's hard to get someone to take action through talk alone, but send someone home with a set of Kegel Wellness Balls, and then they have a tangible reminder that they need to care for their kegel muscles. And a fun way to do it. It's like a perfect orchestration of living well.
So one of my pet peeves is when sex shops (or home party companies) call their salespeople sex educators. How do you feel about it, and how do you talk about what happens at Love U parties?
What we do isn't sex therapy and it's not sex counseling. All it is inspiring smart conversations in your community and breaking the isolation around sexuality. People feel so elated when they can have a great smart conversation around sexuality.
I appreciate what you're saying, I think you're an idealist. There are know-it-all "experts" but they are the exception. The training and culture of our company has a lot to do with the way we work. My work is rooted in sincerity and recognizing that I don't know everything. We ask people open-ended questions because a lot of times the answer is already in them. As the president of Love U I hope I'll attract like-minded people.
These people are educators, again, and the question is how informed you want to be.
You've said the home party industry is ready for a new model. How is what Love U does different from what's already out there?
We're clear and transparent about how we work, I want people to know what they're buying into. Our profit margin is better than most companies. And very importantly, the products we carry are better. We tried to go environmentally friendly, toys that are rechargeable, not the ones that deteriorate in their toy box over a year.
We have way fewer products than other companies but that's because we're picky.
As an individual and a sex educator one of the things that has really helped me is that I'm allergic to everything. I've had allergic reactions to poorly made toys, lubricants, massage oils, so I am very aware of products are made of. So we developed Love U Lubes. The toys are carefully picked - all to meet my standards. There are so many products out there with questionable ingredients. If I can't put it on my skin, it's not in the product line.
For a long time the industry was anchored in shame around sexuality. These parties were talked about as if they were dirty little secrets. I'd rather have people feel beautiful, empowered, and smart for having parties. Parties were talked about as something for laughs or something dirty. In reality the women running these parties are so much more than the "dildo lady" they often get called. I think it's time for less superficiality and more consciousness. You can do all this and it's still so much fun. When I'm giving parties I'm rolling on the floor laughing, but you can do it without making fun of people's bodies or their experiences or their genders.
What do you mean by "they're more than the dildo lady" I would think being the dildo lady would be pretty good?
I remember my first direct sales company convention, I didn't know this world existed because in New York we've got a number of good sex toy stores. But when you get outside a metropolitan area there are these people doing subversive grass roots sex education and retailing combination, and I walked into the room and suddenly realized a store could never reach the places these people are reaching, and I realized their power. I also realized that the more training they had the better. These are important people. It became my mission to help home party reps understand their potential.
There was a woman who I met at a conference who was quiet as a mouse, and obviously not taking care of herself. I helped her via email and over the course of a couple of months the personal growth I saw in this woman was beautiful. The next time I saw her I didn't recognize her. In her was a wealth of empathy, desire, and passion. She signed on because she needed the money but then realized that she is beautiful and does have the capacity to change other people's lives.
The personal growth people experience when they work in this field is profound. I hear it over and over again. I signed on for a car payment, for food in the fridge, to pay off debt. They sign on, but then they are awestruck. They go through a transformation with their bodies, with their friends, in their relationships. They might realize they aren't in the healthiest relationships. They realize that they can't have the same conversations with their partners that they are telling customers to have with their partners, and that's a problem. They may bond deeper with their partner. Consultants always experience personal transformation. And how that transformation takes place is unique to each person.
I know you've been more on the training side of things for a while but I also know you're a total commie at heart. Now that you're the president of a company, are you going back to the trenches?
I am! For our first three months I'm doing parties and 40% of every sale is sent to the Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention Program (where I'm a proud volunteer). So book a party with me while you can, and you're really partying with a purpose.
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I was looking for the ‘new’ part. Guess I missed it. Nice plug.
I’ve worked in sex toy home parties for years as a consultant. I find it offensive that you just assume that all of our products are “the same old crappy products at prices well above any reputable sex shop”. Have you done any research on this subject at all?? Ms. Doolittle carries some of the EXACT same products made by the same people for a higher price! Also, I may not have a degree- but I’m smart enough to know that education is all around us. I learn from my kids, my customers and the hardware store guy- why is someone not allowed to learn about sex from me? You make it out like we’re manipulating people- where in reality we’ve been providing a greatly needed service to women since Ms. Doolittle was in middle school.
Hi Emily,
I’m sorry your offended. Since you asked about my experience, I got my first job sex toy retailing in 1987 and have worked in this industry since (as a retailer, buyer, warehouse manager, trainer, consultant). Every year I do review product catalogs for home party companies (although you didn’t mention which company you work with, so I can’t say if I’ve seen yours). My perspective is informed by that work experience.
When I talk about the industry not changing much I’m not talking about the actual salespeople, I’m talking about company owners and managers, the ones that set the prices, determine what you can and can’t carry, pick trainers and speakers for conventions, etc…
I completely understand why my attitude pisses you off, but I also think that the industry will never improve if we don’t call it out when it makes bad choices, and demand something better.
What I believe is different about Love U (and of course, it remains to be seen if they are) is the way they are running their company and the products they are carrying.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment! Cory
Cory,
I guess you never researched my company, Fantasia Home Parties, USA. I am a founder and owner, since 1984, when it was not so easy to fight the stigma and labels attached to this business. Through my company, we have been working with suppliers, manufacturers and vendors on packaging, woman’s perspective, everything to help change this from a ‘black or red, one size fits all, ‘flesh colored’ industry. Of course now, this is all ‘taken for granted’ and we helped pave the way for others. More importantly, we helped make it ‘ok’ for ‘regular’ women to not only purchase, but sell our products and service so they can take care of their families.
We train and educate, and have been doing so since 1984. We do things behind the scenes and don’t feel we have to broadcast every and any act of human kindness..it’s not what we’re about.
In addition, the DSA won’t accept us because of the nature of our products, so we were instrumental in getting the experienced companies together to raise awareness on advertising and business practices in the industry under the Certified Adult Home Party Association, http://www.CAHPA.com. It also helped raise more awareness with our affiliate members (aka manufacturers in the industry).
I have been following your column for sometime now.
I leave the door open if you would ever like to meet and chat about our experiences and where we would hope to see some changes.
Hi Cory, As you well know, for every great journalist, research and facts are essential. Unfortunately, we “other” party plan owners take issue with your recent “advertisement” for Love U Parties. Frankly, there was nothing in your article that vaguely separates Love U Parties from any other “start up” company. In order to do an accurate article on”sex toy companies”, how about chatting with the leaders in the industry I am CEO of UndercoverWear, Inc. Our company has been in business for 35+ years. Playboy attributed the sexual revolution of the 80’s in part to UCW. Our company has been featured on Phil Donahue, Montel Williams, Oprah and a plethora of other radio and TV shows. We have women earning over $250,000 a year. Obviously, we are doing something right. As a member of CAHPA,I strongly suggest that in the future when doing an article of “adult home parties”, perhaps you should speak to our member group. Collectively our 7 companies have retail sales of over 250 Million. Something tells me we must be doing something right. So come on Cory, seeing I am the founder of UCW and I “know my stuff” give me a jingle and let’s talk SEX! Well at least “Sex toy parties”.
I really have to agree with Rina Valan and Jennifer Jolicoeur on this one. I love Ducky Doolittle, I have seen her speak on numerous occasions and own her book, but her Love U parties look a lot like all the others. We cannot assume the Athena’s of the world are bad when the owner is an amazing, forward thinking woman who has been in the biz for years! And just for the record I am not a Goddess (Athenas salesperson) and have never sold sex toys myself. I just think Cory went a little too far by saying “they still sell crappy toys”. It’s simply not true!
Thanks Rina, Tiffany, and Melissa for taking the time to read the post and commenting. I understand you disagree but just wanted to say that I pick my words carefully and while I could have chosen a nicer word than “crappy” (e.g. poor quality, over priced) I have to stand by it.
I’m not sure if you’ll be open to it, but I can promise that if I do write anything about the industry (this was a blog post, and commentary, as opposed to a researched article) I’ll be in touch. Thanks again, Cory
Interesting that you took my post down…
Cory—
As I said in my post, I am open to discussion at any time regarding the sex toy party industry and history, just call or email.
You know, it’s not nice to bite the hand that has helped revitalize and evolve the adult pleasure product industry. We have and will continue to be a significant agent in the acceptance of adult pleasure products in social, personal and in business models. We have and continue to pique curiosity and many of your customers have found it ‘ok’ to enter an adult bookstore to look ‘for more’ after they’ve been reassured by the service our businesses provide.
Do you really feel you have to promote someone ‘new’ by denegrating the industry, especially when they are backed/partnered by the manufacturer of the ’superior’ toys they sell? I’m wondering how you would feel if they opened a store across the street from you, selling to your customers at the cost you actually pay for their ’superior’ products?
Hummm, this has all been very interesting. I suggest, as a CAHPA member, that we (CAHPA) invite Cory to one of our meetings. Another suggestion: Since CAHPA members have constant contact with literally millions of women, maybe we should add an article to our newsletters about “crappy” journalist not doing research.
Oh Cory, Cory, Cory. Must I really teach you some valuable lessons?
Lesson 1 Women
If you think “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” in love is scary, then “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned in her business” should frighten you to death. Rina, Jennifer, Kim and I share many things in common. We are all business women who founded and continue to independently own incredibly successful adult party plan companies. We are all members of CAHPA Rina is Fantasia, Jennifer is Athena’s, Kim is Slumber Parties and as mentioned I am UndercoverWear. Please note: I have absolutely no malice towards anyone starting a new company. In fact I wish them “good luck”. However Cori, your comments about “other companies” (like ours) were simply not accurate.
However –Lesson 2 Party Plan
While ever adult toy party plan company, creates their own niche, let me suggest to you that we all have access to the same products. Speaking for UndercoverWear, when determining what to add to our lines we want to appeal to a broad market spectrum For example– vibrators, as you know they are available in a variety of styles, colors and performance levels. Some perform better than others. Kinda like men. Let me try to explain this in “male terms”. Think cars Honda make a great car for the money. Cadillac has a better engine and more bells and whistles. Aston Martin is faster, speedier, had many “extras” and has a really high performance level. However, not everyone can afford an Aston Martin. Does that mean they should give up driving? Oh no! In UCW, we offer products (including vibrators) for every lifestyle and every budget.
Lesson 3 –Journalism
How about we end this “war of words? I live in Hawaii (part-time). I enjoy getting up to a bright sunny morning. I love a strss free envirnoment. At 6:30 AM it is not pleasant to read your rather biased and non factual statements as you “clump” all party plans together in one unfavorable package. Not fair and not great journalism. Again, I speak for myself. I am proud to say that I have been in this business for 35+ years. Frankly, I think I know “my stuff”. So come on Cory, pick up the phone and chat with Rina, or Jennifer, or Kim or me and get the facts. Cheerleading for one company without doing an accurate assessment on the others, does not speak highly of your commentary. Feel free to set up a time to chat or come visit Hawaii—we have lots of warm Aloha Spirit.
Cory,
Why not tell everyone that you are PERSONAL friends of Ducky’s and that is the reason why you have written this article. Love U Parties was not even a week old when you placed this article up. If your going to be biased, the least you could do is be honest about that.
I did my research- http://sexuality.about.com/b/2009/09/28/why-i-love-ducky-doolittle.htm
I love the comment. However, there is a new Home Party company on the rise as well. Spicy Home Parties. They sell QUALITY products at lower prices than any other home party company. Their reps are well trained. They give better products in their kits to their new reps and they give better commission rates. If you are looking to sign up with a successful company where you are sure to make lucrative money from the comfort of your own home check out Spicy Home Parties.
Lucy-
1. Spicy Home Parties has been around since 2001- so they are not new
2. They do not pay higher commissions, they are industry standard pay outs.
3. Spicy carries the exact same product and brands as the average party plan. Why? Cause they have the same connections as everyone else.
4. You really should research the industry before attempting to put up a shameless plug for your company, so do do not embarass yourself or your company.