1. Health
Send to a Friend via Email
Cory Silverberg

What Intercourse Never Taught Me About Sex

By January 4, 2010

Follow me on:

I remember the first time I had vaginal intercourse (the vagina wasn't mine). I was a little scared but completely fascinated. The curiosity about what exactly this was going to feel like wasn't killing me - I was pretty happy with the kinds of sex I was having by myself and with others - but I was still curious. What I remember most about it is the minutes before penetration. It was dark, there was a lot of rolling around, a lot of touching, my body was sort of buzzing and I felt light headed. There was a futon involved. When I mentally take myself back there it's like trying to remember a dream that I've described a thousand times. I'm not sure what part of the story happened and what part I made up after the fact. This is one of the strange things about experiencing something in the moment. If there's no conscious part of you that's taking notes the historical record is a bit fuzzy.

I was very lucky with this first experience. I wasn't drunk or stoned and the experience was completely consensual. Statistically speaking, this is unusual and probably had something to do with being raised by a sex therapist and being queer enough that intercourse wasn't on my radar until much later in my sexual development. At the time I remember liking it and being happy that I could walk down the street and replay scenes from coming of age movies in my head where I could finally be the character wondering if I looked different or if people could tell I had "done it".

The belief that sex - "real sex" -- always includes intercourse, that intercourse is in fact the goal of all sex, is one of our most counterproductive sexual beliefs. It serves all sorts of repressive and exclusionary functions, but from a learning and sexual growth perspective, it doesn't do any individual a lick of good. Intercourse is a terrible teacher. Almost every other kind of sexual interaction offers better and more varied opportunities to learn how to communicate verbally and non-verbally with a partner; how to read your partner's body and touch them in a way that communicates your intentions, and how to open up to feeling a partner's touch. Intercourse is great, but it's no way to learn how to have sex, and you waited a long time to have it and now think that once you've had it your done, you're missing out.

If you think that the most radical thing you can do to change your sex life is to try some new activity, I promise you you're wrong. The most radical thing you can do is challenge the way you think about sex. If you want a good place to start, start with how you think about intercourse.

Read More - Sex Is More Than Intercourse

| Twitter | Newsletter Signup | Sexuality Forum |
Comments
No comments yet. Leave a Comment
Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>
Top Related Searches
  • intercourse
  • january 4
    1. About.com
    2. Health
    3. Sexuality

    ©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.