Last week I received this email question from a reader:
Do you suppose it is proper for someone to label themselves bi-sexual if they've never had sex?
It's an interesting question, which feels like several interesting questions in disguise. Here's how I responded.
My instinct is to start answering your question by noticing the different questions that seem to be lurking underneath it. I read at least three questions here,
- What's the connection between sexual orientation and sexual activity? Can you call yourself X if you haven't Y'd?
- What are the defining features of sexual orientation? That is, in this case, what makes a bi-sexual a bi-sexual?
- Who gets to call themselves what? Or in your words, when is it proper to call yourself something?
Let's start with your first question first. There isn't an precise or clear relationship between sexual orientation (here: bisexuality) and sexual activities (which I want to define as whether or not someone has engaged in any activity they or their partner consider to be sex). Having sex, whatever that looks like, doesn't make us anything. It's a behavior one engages in. So the short answer to your question is that someone might call themselves bisexual whether or not they've had sex with anyone.
Sexual orientation may have many definitions (see below) but it isn't the same thing as sexual activity. The distinction to be made here is that sexual activities are what you do, and sexual orientation describes who you want to do things with. Of course we might describe the "who" in any number of ways. Sexual orientation focuses only on gender. Which brings us to your second question. What defines sexual orientation?
First let's consider the word. Sexual orientation originally referred to how one positioned oneself in terms of a sexual goal (which might have been something you wanted to try, someone you wanted to be with, some way you wanted to be known as). In this way we each had our own unique sexual orientation to others and to the world. The way we use sexual orientation today comes from a medical model or approach to sexuality. This approach is the one favored by most sex educators, researchers, medical doctors, and an ever growing army of sex pundits. The medical model relies on the understanding of sexuality as something we can measure, and know, and evaluate objectively. In this model individuals may have their own interests, but we can all be categorized and defined using labels that apply to everyone. The essential falsehood about these labels is that they are objective or scientific. They are, of course, as value laden and tied to things like race, class, and culture, as anything else. Sexual orientation is just another label.
Sexual orientation today is used to categorize people based on the gender of the people they are primarily sexually attracted to. The defining characteristic of sexual orientation is not what someone does sexually, or wants to do sexually, nor is it what they call themselves, it is solely a reflection of their identified gender and the gender of the people they are most interested in being sexual with. For someone to be considered bi-sexual by the powers that be, all they need is to be someone who is sexually attracted to people who identify as men and women. This brings us to the last question, which is really about whether or not we want to let the powers that be define these things for us in the first place.
Who Gets to Call Themselves What?
The way you asked this question "is it proper" for someone to call themselves something may read at first like a question of fact. Maybe even a scientific question. But it's neither. The question you're asking, which is an excellent one, is philosophical, moral, and ethical (more how do I feel about eating meat? than do seat belts save lives?). It's a question most people don't bother to ask themselves, but I believe we'd be better off if everyone did, because it's a question we all need to decide for ourselves.
Annoying as it is, I want to answer your question with one of my own: do you believe people have the right to identify themselves in ways that fit them as individuals? In this context, does someone have the right to call themselves bi-sexual because that's how they identify themselves or that's who they feel themselves to be? Or do you think they need "proof" of their orientation? Do they need someone else, a professional, who applies a label based on definitions developed for everyone?
If you prefer the latter option, you have to ask yourself what proof would satisfy you? And should you, or anyone else, be in a position to demand such proof in the first place? What does it mean to give any individual, organization, or government the power to tell us who we are? I know these questions may not seem nearly as fun as trying to figure out which celebrity or which one of your friends is "really gay" but if you're interested in treating others like people, and not stereotypes, these are the questions you need to ask yourself.
For what it's worth, my own belief is that people must be given the opportunity and respect of identifying themselves, regardless of whether or not they fit into the checkboxes established by others. To do otherwise is to deny a person's basic human rights. Taking this position isn't always easy. People can identify in ways that, while not exactly infringing on the rights of others, can make it more difficult for others to access their own basic rights. But the alternative, which is to subscribe to a medical model that defines everything for us, is not an option for me. I would much rather deal with the complicated responses that grow out of treating people with respect and honoring basic rights, than the silence that follows yet another labeling of someone else's identity.
Despite everything you may have been taught, the choice is yours.
Read more - About.com Sex Questions, Answered
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Jesus, what an amazing text. I have no words.
Thank you
I agree with the answer with regard to the first 2 points but I can’t go along with the third argument. The point of language is to communicate so I think one’s right to label oneself ends when it misleads one’s audience.
I know young people who self-identified as lesbian but decided they were straight the moment it looked like they might suffer from discrimination. I think this does real harm to women who have no choice about their sexual orientation.
I’m not saying that there are (or should be) precise definitions but I am saying that these words aren’t costumes that one can wear for an occasion and remove when the party’s over.
I think this essay was well thought out and clearly written. I take no opposition to any of the author’s points. I do however disagree with the comment about” misleading one’s audience,” and wearing these words as “costumes.”
Some people are blessed to know before puberty what career path they want to take. They gear all their activities towards that path and when they become adults, move into that career. Similarly, some of us know exactly who or to whom we are sexually attracted from the get go and because we may have been blessed with self respect and self confidence, we simply carry on.
It the commenter alluding that sexuality is a choice? and if it is we are only allotted one time to choose?
So many aspects of the human experience are fluid. It is precisely this attitude of perfectionism that keeps us separate from one another and prevents real community.
Why can’t I try on different orientations like costumes? If I buy a whip must I use it every time I’m intimate with someone?
If I enjoy role playing. Must I play the same role over and over? If I prefer one gender extreme does that preclude me from being open to the opportunity of intimate relations with the opposite binary or the range in between?
The truth is there are no rules. Believe me, I looked for them. I have hidden behind imagined ones to avoid personal responsibility and to enjoy inclusion.
What is “hot” is between one’s ears. Whatever we present to the world, we cannot hide from it.
To the querent: by all means, call yourself what you will. To the critic, have some compassion for yourself and others. Humans have been exploring and questioning their sexuality since the beginning of time. Who are we to say we know what is best for everyone, especially in the bedroom, the back seats of cars or on the pool table?
Does anyone really think sexuality is something that can be categorized and defined using labels successfully in this age? Even sexual orientation or sexual preference have very blurred lines these days. NO labels! I am for flowing sexuality with your own limits. I wish we could be honest and decide for ourselves even if we can’t describe it in labels. Bisexual, bi-curious, bi-comfortable. What does it all mean and where we put ourselves? And at the end why do we need labels, when people themselves can’t define their sexuality. Is it really possibly to have new labels and definitions developed to fit everyone? I do not think so.
Thank you so much for your article! It’s so important not to label people and treat everyone with respect.
I would like to thank-you for the well thought out answer. I believe it has helped me put things into perspective.
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“do you believe people have the right to identify themselves in ways that fit them as individuals?”
In this context, does someone have the right to call themselves bi-sexual because that’s how they identify themselves or that’s who they feel themselves to be? Or do you think they need “proof” of their orientation?”
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I believe people should be able to call themselves bi-sexual if that is how they feel they are. If that changes in the future after experiences, then it changes. It makes a lot more sense to grant people the freedom to grow and change, rather than limit themselves specifically to a label they might not feel comfortable with.
My only wish now is that there were less people who believed in the need for ‘proof’.
After struggling for many years with my sexual orientation (I had always considered myself straight), I thought it necessary to either prove or disprove my gay sexual desires/needs.
Though I don’t consider it inappropriate to misrepresent oneself (I mean that identifying myself as straight for all those years was an okay thing to do, even despite all my yearnings that were satisfied with porn, thoughts of what my life could have been like), I realize that I was in error in claiming to be straight.
For me, however, it actually required that I investigate physically what sex with another man would be like. I’d unknowingly pigeon-holed myself and negated all my innermost feelings and desires. Once I ventured out and made the conscious decision to meet other men and find out for certain, I was able to recognize the ultimate pleasure, satisfaction and the realization that my needs were met by sexual acts with those men. It wasn’t my desires that I needed to fulfill, it was my needs.
I’m not downplaying, at all, that someone could identify as “x” without doing “y” – it’s just my personal journey. Ultimately, I realized that I’d been living a lie (to myself) about my sexuality, and know that I’m gay all day in every way.
Hi George, Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess my question is this: do you think that you were helped at all in your own journey by others telling you that you must be X or Y (or A,B,C)?
I understand the desire people have to name things, to be right, to be smart, or know-it-alls, or whatever. All I’m saying is that if you want to treat individuals with respect, and you care about what is happening for other people, and not just what it means for yourself, there is no point in pasting a label on a person against their will.
As your comment relates, people will find their own way (or not) but me calling you this or that isn’t going to help. Thanks again, Cory.
Cory, nobody ever actually called me anything…still the case.
I was brought up to believe that “queer” was wrong, and I bought into it. I didn’t have any problems with gays or lesbians or anyone else who landed elsewhere on the sexual spectrum, but I also didn’t think that I could ever be included as LGBT. That was good training that I got.
I don’t suppose anyone actually told me that I was straight either – it was just the way I was supposed to be according to society. It just goes to show you how wrong society can be!