You probably know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You may know nothing else about it, but the power of pink marketing isn't really about critical thinking, it's about getting a single, simple message out there.
That's kind of what sex tips do too. Sex tips usually don't encourage people to think through sex for themselves, or to acknowledge the ways that sexuality is tied up with our whole lives. Usually a sex tip giver is saying: try this, it'll be great.
Sometimes I write sex tips as part of my work. They can be fun and inspiring. But there's a time and place for sex tips. And I feel pretty strongly that the time isn't at the beginning of anything, and the place isn't where people are in pain. There are lots of ways we can support each other at times and places like these. Giving tips isn't one of them.
When I think about all the people in my life, those I know well and those I barely know at all, who are living (and in some cases dying) with breast cancer, I do still think about sex. I know that sexuality is important for some of them. And I've endeavored to answer their questions when asked.
But when I survey so much of the breast cancer sex advice out there I find it comes up short:
Most of it focuses on our bodies in isolation as if we don't live in the world in connection with others. It tells us to smile more, or work out, or learn to love our bodies. Some of which may be possible but all of which smacks of condescension and ignorance of what it means to be in the world in a body that is not normative.
Most of it ignores the social and political implications of living with breast cancer. To take one example, feeling sexy is possible when you're living well below the poverty line, but it sure is more difficult and it would be nice to hear some acknowledgement of that.
Most of it paints a picture of women with breast cancer who are straight, and partnered, and minivan driving, and white. Everyone with breasts can get breast cancer and the difference between who lives, who dies, and how long either of those outcomes take has more to do with race, class, and gender than we seem to hear about in the media and popular discussions.
Advice in the form of sex tips is usually well meaning. And it is probably very helpful for some people. I don't think we should throw it all out. But it does feel as if a lot of it, like most of the pink washing, is produced in a very clean office somewhere far far away from anyone who is living, dying, and usually struggling with breast cancer worries, diagnoses, and treatments.
Read More: Sexuality and Breast Cancer ; Sexuality and Disability
Reader Q & A: Breastless, Hairless, and Heavier. Now What?"
| | Twitter | Newsletter Signup | Sexuality Forum | |
What a great piece. I also share information about sex on my blog for moms, and I really try to make it a place for “sharing information” more than tips on how you should do things.
Prescriptive advice about sex makes it look like it is one-size-fits all, but as you point out, life is different for every woman. Thanks for the great post addressing the unique difficulties women who are struggling with cancer face.