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Cory Silverberg

Spontaneous Sex

By October 12, 2012

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One of the biggest lies we're told about sex is that real sex, great sex, must be spontaneous. The idea is that if you are in a good sexual relationship there will be so much free flowing lust that one of you will always be swept away by desire and spontaneously initiate wild sex. The flip side of this idea is that if you don't have a lot of spontaneous sex you're probably on your way to a boring, sexless relationship. Neither of these stereotypes are accurate.

In order to understand what's wrong with this idea, we need to think a little more carefully about what we mean by spontaneous sex. One definition of spontaneous is that it happens out of nowhere, without any forethought or planning. But is sex ever like this? Even at the beginning of a relationship, before you've had sex with someone, you are likely imagining it, longing for it, thinking about what might happen, how it might feel. This is forethought and planning of a sort. And we bring all that thinking and hose expectations to the sexual encounter if and when it does happen.

And doesn't all good sex start with desire, which is what drives us to want to initiate sex in the first place? If the answer is yes, then can sex really be thought of as spontaneous?

I suspect that when people talk about spontaneous sex they usually mean sex that is surprising and novel. And when they say they want sex to be spontaneous what they want is a relationship where the desire is so strong that having sex can take precedence over other, more mundane, things they do with their partner (going out to dinner, cleaning up around the home, paying bills, being online, etc...). They want to feel desired and lusted after.

Asking for this is very different from asking for sex that seems to come from nothing. Keeping sex surprising and new when you're having sex with the same person for many years, particularly if they are the only person you are being sexual with, will always be a challenge. But it's not an insurmountable one. The thing is we just need to be clear on what we feel we're missing, how we'd like to see that change, and what are we willing to do to make that change happen.

Read More: How to Increase Sexual Spontaneity

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