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9 Weeks to Better Sex

Week 1: What Is Better Sex?

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Updated January 24, 2009

This series of lessons is designed for people in relationships who are having sex but want to change or develop their sex lives in some new way. Each lesson includes a little bit of sex education, suggestions of activities to try out during the week, and an opportunity to let you reflect on your experience of what it’s like to try and change your sex life. This course is not meant as a substitute for working through things with your partner, nor is it a substitute for sex therapy or counseling.

I recommend starting the course from the beginning, or signing up to receive these lessons automatically each week as a 9 Weeks to Better Sex online course.

What Is Better Sex?

For a moment, put aside everything you’ve ever been told about what sex is supposed to be. Forget the TV commercials, the magazine articles, the porn, and anything you heard in a locker room, nightclub, or friend’s backyard. If you want better sex the first thing you have to ask yourself is: What’s better sex for me?

This can be a difficult question to answer since a lot of us don’t know what our options are, we just feel like we want something more, or different. Don’t worry about finding one answer to this question. A great first step is to give yourself time and permission to ask and dream up a few answers. What would better sex look like in your relationship? How would it feel different than the sex you’re having now?

Work through the articles and exercises below. Try to read them all the way through and if what you’re reading doesn’t fit you, make note of why, and how you think or dream about sex differently.

Section 1 - Erotic Education

What To Know Before You Explore
Because our sexuality is intimately tied to many parts of our life, when you start uncovering your sexual interests and desires many more issues can come up. Here are some things to think about before sexual exploration to keep you focused and safe.

Sexual Quality vs. Quantity
In the movie Love and Death Woody Allen said "it's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it." How do you measure better sex: by quantity or quality?

What Is Sex?
If you think all there is to sex is foreplay and intercourse, finding better sex is like looking for the needle in the proverbial haystack. If you want better sex, you need to realize that sex is much more.

What Is Great Sex?
OK, so there's more to sex than intercourse. But having 101 different kinds of sex play won't necessarily make your sex life better (it might keep you busy though). For that you need to start thinking about what makes sex great for you, and how you define great sex.

Section 2 - Getting Your Hands Dirty

Define Your Terms
This exercise takes you through some key questions you need to answer for yourself before turning your attention to your partner and talking with them about better sex.

Desert Island Sex
Try this game yourself (and if your partner's up for it, play it together). Sometimes having better sex means expanding on things you already love. The Desert Island Sex Game can point you to where that treasure is buried.

Section 3 - Better Sex Journal: What Is Better Sex?

Journaling for Better Sex
Creating a better sex life requires not only sexual action but sexual reflection. Use these ideas and questions to guide you in reflecting on lesson one. You can either keep an actual journal or if privacy or access is a barrier, just think about the questions and answer them in your head.

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