If you’re interested in trying a sex toy but you aren’t sure where to start, you may find the following checklist helpful. This list developed out of my years working in a sex store, helping customers find the toys that were right for them.
Not all of the things on the list will apply to you, but you can go down the list and ask yourself whether or not the consideration is relevant and then think about what you need in a sex toy to reduce the chance that the consideration will become a barrier.
Something like this is an ongoing process, but it gets better every time someone shares their experience of finding a sex toy that worked or one that didn’t. I hope if you see things missing or have a suggestion, you’ll e-mail me, so I can add it to the list.
General Questions to Consider
The following two considerations are important to keep in mind when going through the barrier checklist:Who is the sex toy for?
Accessibility is completely individual, so first think about who will be using the sex toy.
- Are you buying a sex toy for yourself?
- Is this a sex toy for a partner to use? Will they be using it on their own or with you?
- Are you buying this for a friend or family member? If so, they’re the ones that need to answer the questions below.
- Will an attendant or other service provider be involved in the setup, positioning or cleaning up of the sex toy? (They shouldn’t be involved in finding the right toy, but if you use an attendant, you should think about how you feel about privacy and whether that will change the kind of toy you want to get.)
Can you tell what’s happening in your body?
You don’t need to be able to monitor your own body responses to use a sex toy, but if you have decreased sensation in parts that you aren’t able to directly see or touch, you may want to take that into consideration when choosing a sex toy. More on this below.
Accommodations
There are two ways to adapt sex toys . You can buy any toy and then try to come up with adaptations to it, or you can find a toy that fits most of your needs first and end up making fewer modifications. Unless you’ve got plenty of money and access to an engineer, I recommend the second option. To find a sex toy that will work best for you or someone you’re helping get a sex toy, consider the following accommodations and apply them both to the person using the sex toy and anyone who might be assisting them.Psychological Accommodations
There are several aspects of a sex toy that might get in the way of someone being able to use or enjoy it. These include:
- Sex Toy Packaging
- Some images and text can be a turnoff and get in the way of enjoying the product.
- If other people will be purchasing or assisting in the use of the toy, choosing a softer package might end up being easier for the person using the toy.
- More sex toys are available in plain or (at least) nonexplicit packaging.
- Product Shape, Size and Color
- Some people will want a sex toy that looks like a human body part, while others won’t like the look or feel of it.
- Something that looks “realistic” may be more compromising if the person using the toy doesn’t have a lot of privacy.
- A toy that is “realistic” may be a turnoff if it evokes negative previous experiences.
- Aside from physical preferences, the size of a sex toy, and even the color, can also create a psychological barrier to wanting to use it.
- Sex toys that look like toys instead of substitute body parts may better convey the sense of fun and exploration that makes sex toys so great.
- Sex Toys as Triggers
- Be aware that sex toys, even before they get used, can be triggers to past trauma. If this is a possibility, it’s worth discussing before shopping for a toy.
Physical Accommodations
Once you’ve figured out what you want the sex toy to do, you can try and find a toy that will best accommodate that. Some of the big physical accommodations include:
- Mobility and Motor Control
- Does the toy need to be able to reach or bend?
- Can the toy stay in place without being held?
- How easy or hard are the controls to manipulate?
- Read more about mobility and motor control accommodations.
- Fatigue
- How much can the toy weigh and how far away from your body do you need to hold it?
- What happens to the toy if it’s dropped? How durable is it? How loud will it be?
- Read more about fatigue accommodations.
- Decreased Sensation
- For vibrators, motor quality and strength should be considered, as a soft motor may not be felt at all.
- For sensation toys (e.g. paddles, clamps, floggers), it’s important to think about what will be firm enough to be felt but safe for use if mobility and motor control is limited.
- If you can’t monitor your own physical responses when using toys that may create very strong stimulation, you should have a partner or attendant who will check afterward.
- Read more about decreased sensation accommodations.
- Increased Sensation
- If you are hypersensitive, you may want a toy that doesn’t create very much sensation and probably want to avoid vibrators.
- The sex toy material can make a difference if your skin is bothered by rough or sticky surfaces. Sticking with a hard plastic or natural material (wood, metal, glass) may be a better bet.
- Privacy
- Will the person using the toy be able to use it from start to finish by themselves?
- If someone needs to help, how can you minimize the intrusion?
- Read more about privacy accommodations.
- Allergies and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
- The material of the sex toy should be considered.
- Ingredients in massage oils, creams, condoms, lubes and gloves should be checked.
- Read more about allergies and MCS accommodations.
Developmental/Cognitive Accommodations
Most accommodations in this area are about offering practical and accessible education -- and less about the toy itself. If the person using the sex toy tends to forget how to use toys properly or safely, finding a toy that has a reduced potential for harmful use is a good idea.
