Members of monogamous couples sometimes seek the assistance of marriage counselors in negotiating the agreements and boundaries of their relationship; and the support of a polyamory-aware marriage therapist can be especially beneficial to polyamorous partners (Ramey, 1975; Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). First, there are few social models for structuring a polyamorous relationship, and so polyamorous partners often find themselves charting new territories as they look for ways to meet the needs of all who are involved. Second, it is an even more complicated matter to balance the needs of multiple individuals than it is to make compromises between the members of a pair, and so the assistance of an experienced mediator might ease the process.
There are several issues upon which polyamorous partners commonly negotiate (Ramey, 1975). One is the introduction of new lovers and partners. Are new relationships subject to the approval of the existing partner/s? Are any restrictions placed upon the new relationship, such as limits on the amount of time that may be spent together, or specific sexual acts that are reserved for the original couple alone? Can the bedroom that is shared by the longstanding couple be used for time spent together with new partners? Will the new relationship ever become equal in status to the existing one, or is the existing one expected to remain primary? Are outsiders to be informed of the existence of the additional relationship (Knapp, 1975)?
Another area is communication (Ramey, 1975; Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). Are one's newer partners expected to socialize with the existing ones, or are the relationships kept separate? Does an individual let their partner know when they are seeing their other partner, or is discretion preferred? Do all members talk over disputes together as a group, or are conflicts settled in pairs?
A third area to be negotiated is the sharing of tasks and expenses (Ramey, 1975). Are moneys and possessions pooled for group use, or maintained individually? How are child-care duties and housework divided?
A well-informed therapist can also assist a couple who is first considering a polyamorous lifestyle in considering whether this is the right choice for them (Peabody, 1982). The therapist can assist the couple in exploring how they will cope with such issues as jealousy, discrimination, setting up ground rules, preventing sexually transmitted diseases, and potential pregnancies (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). When it is one partner in a couple who wishes to introduce polyamory into the relationship, the therapist can help them to decide how to bring up the topic, and can assist them in preparing for the responses that the partner might have. A therapist can also help people who are in a troubled polyamorous relationship to decide whether to continue in this lifestyle, and to cope with their feelings of regret and loss if not.
A therapist can let polyamorous clients know about polyamory support groups and resources in their area (see Appendix B). The polyamorous community is geographically scattered, and it does not have the same visibility that other subcultures, like the gay community, do. In large cities there may be regular social gatherings, and from time to time there are regional conferences, but one needs to know where to look in order to find these (Rubin, 1982). In the late 1990's, the polyamorous community is linked primarily by the Internet. Web pages provide pointers to local social gatherings, listservs, and chat rooms that are devoted to polyamory concerns. The polyamorous community also overlaps significantly with other subcultures in which alternative lifestyles are accepted, such as the lesbian, gay and bisexual community and science-fiction fandom. The venues of these subcultures provide additional opportunities for the polyamorous community to network. Pointers to the polyamorous community at large can be a tremendous source of support to those who come out as polyamorous.
