Most of what you read about sex and aging falls into one of two categories.
There are the simple positive messages like:
- Take control of your sex life!
- Love the sexy, senior you!
- You’ve got all this free time since retirement, why not spend it having sex?
And then there is the “deficit model” of physical changes, where it’s all about what you don’t have anymore (less muscle, less orgasm, less ejaculate…)
There are several problems with both of these approaches:
- For many people the positive messages feel like just another pushy sales pitch to make them feel bad they aren’t having the sex they’re “supposed” to be having, and it often doesn’t reflect what their lives are like.
- At the same time, the emphasis on what you don’t have anymore tends to discourage sexual experimentation (plus it’s depressing to only hear the things that you don’t have)
- Both approaches assume that you had rip roaring sex prior to getting older. This isn’t true for many people, and in fact having to deal with changes that come with aging may be the first time, for some people, they even think about their sexuality in a positive way.
- Neither of these approaches deals with how complex our sexuality is. Neither of them point out the strangeness of having one aspect of your sexuality change (for example your physical sexual experience) while other aspects (like your sexual feelings and thoughts) may not have changed at all.
- Lastly, both approaches only focus on you as an individual, and ignore what may be the greatest barrier to having a positive sexuality as you age.
I would argue that the most profound sexual change that comes with aging doesn’t take place in the body or the mind, it takes place in the society around us; the way “senior citizens” are treated by everyone around them, and the ways their access to partners change (and diminish) as they get older.
The bottom line is that sex isn’t something that stands still. Sexual development doesn’t end at 18 or 84. We have the capacity to forever change and grow who we are sexually.
That change and growth isn’t necessarily easy but it is possible and can result in both great sex and greater self knowledge. One way to start this process, is to begin thinking about the different ways that aging can impact your sexuality.
Read More:
Sex and Aging – Physical changes that come with aging
