Where Do I Start?
There is no one way to write your sexual history. The best thing you can do is just start to write it. Some people like to start a story at the beginning, but you might want to start by writing down your most recent thoughts and work backward. What follows on the next few pages are major areas to consider and a few questions under each heading to get you started.Sex Education: Often the circumstances surrounding our education are as influential as what we’re taught.
- Who did you learn about sex from? How did that learning influence your sexuality and sex life?
- What are your earliest memories of sex words (sexual parts of your body, sexual behaviors, sexual orientations, sex workers, etc...)
- What, if any, sex education did you receive from people other than your parents?
The People Around You: Sex isn’t entirely hardwired, in many ways we can consider ourselves products of our social environment.
- How has your sexuality and sex life been influenced by your family?
- How has your sexuality and sex life been influenced by your friends?
- How has your sexuality and sex life been influenced by your teachers, mentors and heroes?
Sexual Milestones: From the first time you touched yourself and realized it felt good to the last time you revealed a sexual secret to a partner.
- When would you say you lost your virginity?
- What events produced some of the most important sexual discoveries in your life?
- Are there sexual milestones you feel like you haven’t reached yet?
Sexual Satisfaction: Sexual satisfaction is one of those things most people can recognize but few of us bother to define carefully for ourselves.
- When was a time when you were most sexually satisfied? When were you least sexually satisfied?
- How has your thinking about sexual satisfaction changed over the years?
- What is the most important element for you to be sexually satisfied? How has this changed over time?
Sexual Orientation: Who you are sexually attracted to, who you want to have relationships with, and who you end up in relationships with may change over time. Or not.
- What sorts of messages did you grow up with about sexual orientation (being heterosexual, gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual)?
- Have there been times in your life when you weren’t sure about who you were sexually attracted to or who you wanted to be in a relationship with?
- How do you feel your environment has impacted how you feel about your sexual orientation?
Solo Sex: It’s the longest sexual relationship you’ll ever have, yet it's often overlooked in traditional sexual histories.
- What’s your earliest memory of masturbation?
- What sort of messages did you grow up with about masturbation?
- How has masturbation been influenced by having sex with others?
Partner Sex
- How has the way you have sex changed with time? With more sexual experiences? With different sexual partners?
- What are or were some of your favorite sexual experiences with a partner? Least favorite?
- What have you learned about your sexuality from having sex with others?
Sexual Fantasies
- What were some of your earliest sexual fantasies?
- Before you had sex with others, what did you imagine “having sex” was like? What did it include?
- How would you describe your fantasy life now? Do you think you fantasize too much or not enough? Are there sexual fantasies you’ve brought into real life? How did that work out?
Influences
- How do you think your cultural upbringing and identity influenced your sexuality and your sex life?
- How do you think your religious (or non-religious) upbringing influenced your sexuality and your sex life?
- How do you think the places you've lived influenced your sexuality and your sex life?
Sexual Difficulties
- Have you had experiences where your body, mind, or emotions didn’t work the way you wanted them to sexually? Describe some of these times.
- Have you ever talked with a professional about your sexual concerns or difficulties?
- Do you think your sexuality or your sex life have ever been impacted by the sexual difficulties of a partner?
Sexual Values: Our position on issues such as monogamy, promiscuity, sex work, abortion, homosexuality and fundamental sexual rights may say a lot or nothing at all about who we are as sexual beings.
- What were some of the sexual values you were raised with?
- How have your values changed, and how have they remained the same over time?
- Can you remember a time when you experienced a conflict between your values and your desires?
Sexual Trauma: If this is the first time you are intentionally thinking about traumatic events from your past, you should try to have some support in place before you start (a partner, a friend, or a counselor) to help you process anything that might come up as you explore.
- Have you ever told anyone about your experience with sexual assault or abuse? If not, do you imagine a situation where you would feel safe to do so?
- How do you think your sexuality and sex life today is influenced by past traumatic events? What about your own image of your body?
Next page...additional questions
