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Sex Tips for the Rest of Us: Change Your Sexual Communication

Mess with your Sex Life Part 2: Non Sequitur Sexual Communication


Updated July 02, 2007

For the background on this sex tip, be sure to read Mess with your Sex Life Part 1.

This second variation on the theme of disrupting your normal sexual patterns involves the kinds of communications we have during and after sex.

Despite the fact that there are no rules for how to communicate about sex, and how to communicate while having sex, most of us develop a certain way of being with our sexual partners, and rarely step out of that comfort zone.

For example many people will feel that some conversations are appropriate to have during or immediately after sex, and other conversations may be “inappropriate”. These ideas, which are to some extent arbitrary, can influence the way we end up thinking about sex and what we think is appropriate and inappropriate to the topic of sex in general.

Also, in the same way that we get stuck physically, only having sex in a few positions and a few different ways, we can get stuck in communication, only using certain words, phrases, or tones. This can have the effect of narrowing our sexual options, and can get in the way of exploring other ways of being sexual.

For the first sex tip you had to disrupt your actual sexual behavior. For this one, try to use language to disrupt your sexual patterns.

Over the period of a few weeks you and your partner agree to say completely random things both during and after sex. It could be a conversation, it could just be a few words of nonsense, it could be one word repeated over and over again, but it should be actual words, and it can’t be something you usually do or say during or after sex (so it doesn’t count if you just moan in a different pitch). The exercise is designed to disrupt the cognitive processes that we fall back on when communicating during sex.

One part of this exercise that is tricky is to not let the things you say distract you from what you’re doing. The point is not to take you or your partner out of the sexual moment, but rather to shake up your brain a bit by using language in a completely different way during sex.

This can feel like a strange thing to do. You may have a word you like and choose to repeat it several times at a particular moment during sex. Or you might want to say something that has absolutely nothing to do with sex immediately after finishing. The point is that there are no rules, and hopefully what you say will eventually be spontaneous (although to get started you may want to have something planned).

This exercise can make you feel embarrassed and a bit silly, but that is part of the point. Most of us forget that sex is a form of play, and it’s meant to be creative, goofy, and fun.

Remember that the point of this is simply to be disruptive and stretch out the possibilities of what sex can be. There isn’t a specific goal of changing your sex life in one way or another. It may seem a ridiculous thing to do (particularly if you’re at a really good part) but you can always make sure you end with a bang, even if it takes you longer to get there.

Have fun!

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