It’s quite common for couples in long-term committed relationships to find themselves at a point where one partner wants sex more, or less, than another, often referred to as differences in sex drive. There may be many reasons for discrepancies in sex drive and finding a way through the situation often means opening up discussion about your whole relationship, not just the sex part. It also means that cookie cutter solutions offered in the form of five-step plans don’t always work. The ideas below aren’t meant as a one-size-fits-all solution, but if you and your partner have very different levels of interest in sex and you’re not sure where to start to work on the problem, you may find this information helpful in opening up new thinking about a very old and very common dilemma.
Sex Drive Reality Check
Sexual desire or sex drive isn’t a static experience. Our sex drive may change over the course of a day, week, or month, and will change many times across our lifespan. If one of you doesn’t want as much sex as the other it might be a long-term situation, but it might not.Long-term committed relationships require negotiation and compromise and that includes sex. It’s unrealistic to think that you will get everything you want, especially if you’re expecting it all from one person.
Change is always a possibility, if not always possible. Any kind of change is possible, and people’s ability to change can be unpredictable. At the same time there is no guarantee that any amount of thinking, feeling, and talking about your relationship will result in the change you want.
Avoid quantification and comparison. No good will come from one or both of you feeling pressure to perform or measure up in a way that matches what you think other people are doing. Sexual desire is an exquisitely unique expression of our individuality, and comparisons serve no one.
