Sex is special: It’s a rare transformative moment that only comes once in a while.
On one hand, it’s true that sex can be transformative and that some of us don’t get to have sex as often as we’d like, but on the other hand, sex is an incredibly common and regular occurrence. Yet many of us are raised to think of sex like it’s a non-renewable resource that’s about to dry up. If instead we put sex in its place among all our other activities of daily living and all the ways we communicate with the people around us, we might have a lot less anxiety about how we’re doing it, when we’re doing it, if we’re doing it right, and who we’re doing it with. Sex doesn’t need to be treated with kid gloves, it can take it, if we start to dish it out.
We can make it on our own: Sexual agency is the same as sexual independence.
We can thank the mostly positive influence of the women’s movement on sexual expression for this subtle lie. What’s true is that we all have a right to sexual agency -- to experience sexual pleasure on our own terms, think sexual thoughts, and have sexual desires separate from those around us. But the silent lie is that sexual agency equals complete independence. In truth, none of us are completely independent from those around us, and we rely on others in ways few of us acknowledge. Among the few people who have managed to really figure this out are
folks living with disabilities who require assistance with regular daily activities. When you rely on others for some form of help, it becomes very apparent the way we are all connected. If you don’t, you can go through life imagining that you’d be fine without anyone around. Yet even masturbation, which is often fueled by sexual fantasy, requires some external stimulation (even if you’re only dreaming of the UPS guy or gal, they’re still involved to some extent).
There’s a right way and a wrong way to have sex.
Whether we’re being told we have to do it with someone else (masturbation isn’t “real” sex), we have to do it with someone of the opposite sex, we have to do it in a bed, 2.5 times a week, or some other form of this lie, there are no lack of people who want to feed you the lie that there is only one (or two) right ways to have sex. The truth is that there are no rules (beyond age and consent) to how you can have healthy and fun sex. Whenever you catch someone feeding you this lie, call them on it.
Great sex is all about…
Is it about
sexual technique? Is it
sexual communication? Is it the “spark”, or the bed sheets, or the
sex toys, or the weather system? Amazon lists over 150 books with great sex in the title, each one offering you an endless stream of advice on what constitutes great sex. It’s no lie that great sex can be had, but the lie is that one person’s great sex will be your great sex. Great sex probably isn’t like a great chocolate chip cookie recipe, which works best if you follow the directions to the letter. Learning more about sex can probably only add to your experience of good sex, but in the absence of any proof, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that great sex happens in the way you uniquely put it all together, not in following a step by step guide book written by someone whose main goal is to sell you a book.
