Many of us are looking for a quick fix to our sexual dilemmas. We want a pill or a video or a series of complex finger movements that will magically make us less anxious and more confident about exposing our true sexual selves. Of course no such magic pill exists and in the end our sex lives are, both literally and figuratively, in our own hands.
But in the spirit of getting to the point (one of our valued User Promises ) here are ten sure fire ways to not get what you want sexually, and to screw up your sex life something awful.
Compare Yourself to Others:
Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. Forget the magazine quizzes and six step sex books, there is simply no meaningful way to compare yourself to someone else when it comes to your sexuality. Plus, everyone lies about their sex life anyway. Comparing yourself sexually to others will give you nothing but grief. If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and anyone you’re having sex with, and don’t turn away.
Ignore Your Body:
None of us have perfect bodies. But we’re inundated with pieced together visions of beauty that we all compare ourselves to an unattainable ideal. In response many of us turn away from our bodies, pretend they, we, aren’t there. But whatever your body is like, you sexuality is part of it, and you ignore your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. It’s not easy, but working with the body you’ve got is one crucial part of improving your sex life.
Read more about sexuality and body image
Only Listen to the Experts:
If you really want to screw up your sex life, do every thing the sex experts tell you. It’s not that people with expertise don’t have something to offer, but sexuality is so personal and unique that the most important expert is you. If you want to grow as a sexual being, you have to pay attention to your own experience first, and then listen to others and decide what of their advice rings true.
Read more about becoming your own sex expert
Stop Paying Attention (Or Never Start):
Sexuality is as much about awareness as it is about action. From birth to death, our bodies and minds never stop changing, growing, and developing. This means our sexuality never stops changing either. When you stop paying attention to your most personal sexual feelings and experiences, you shut yourself off from that change, and from aspects of your sexual self. The goal is to become less sexually ignorant as we age, not more.
Read more about increasing your own sexual awareness.
Grow Up, and Get Serious:
Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play they engaged in when we were kids. While sex can be about all sorts of grown up things like having kids, making love, transcending duality, it can also just be a rollicking good time. If you make sex just one more thing that’s serious and routine, and only done in reasonable ways, you lose much of the power and magic of sex in our lives.
Read more about sexual role play.
Believe That Ignorance Is Bliss:
We all live with a certain level of sexual ignorance. This ignorance keeps us at risk; risk of bad sex, risk of STDs, risk of too many regretful moments. If you want to maintain that level of risk, just keep up your level of ignorance. If you want to turn the tide then get out there and learn something about sex that’s relevant to your own life from someone who is qualified to teach you.
Read more about ending personal sexual ignorance.
Confuse Sex Entertainment With Sex Education:
Most of the books and magazine articles you read about sex are written by people with two qualifications; they look cute and they live in New York. Sex entertainment (movies, adult workshops, sex toy stores) can be a fun way to explore your options. But it isn’t the same thing as sex education or sex therapy. If you’re feeling good about your sex life but want more, sex entertainment may offer a quick boost. But if you’re feeling genuinely stuck and distressed about your sexuality or your sex life, be sure to turn to a qualified sex educator, counselor, or therapist.
Read more about finding good sexual help.
Keep a Closed Mind:
Making the arbitrary decision that however you’re having sex is the only way to have sex is another guaranteed route to sexual disappointment. Regardless of your political and religious beliefs, there are countless ways for you to express and experience your sexuality. What you need isn’t to go against your principles or blur your boundaries. What you need is to be creative (the opposite of narrow minded).
Read more ideas on getting creative with sex.
Act Like Sex Is Something Special:
Our sexuality is linked to all aspects of our lives; our health, our families, our jobs and retirement, everything. In this way, sex isn’t really anything special; it’s everywhere. It follows that if you want to change your sex life in a substantial way you have to change other aspects of your life as well. But when you segregate sex from the rest of your life, whether that means putting it on a pedestal or in an old shoe box, you reduce your chances of change, and cut off awareness that can help you grow sexually.
Read more about integrating your sexual self.
Let Fear Be Your Guide
Sex is scary. Partly because we know so little, and partly because sex demands we give up control and expose ourselves. As a result many of us make a pre-emptive retreat. We don’t talk about our desires, we don’t tell our partners what we really want to do, or even what we fantasize about doing but would never want to do in real life. We keep ourselves hidden and collude with partners by not pushing them too much. Oftentimes fear is a reasonable response. But if you’re in a relationship where there is trust, the more you let fear be your guide, the less you’ll get out of the relationship.Read more about revealing your sexual self.
