How much of an obstacle are those attitudes, the questions and stares of other people?
B.J.: When I was first got out of the hospital, my brother was with me and he always joked around about the saying “take a picture it lasts longer.” So he bought a Polaroid camera and when we were out he’d just hand it to people who stared. His message was that it’s easier to just ask the question. I’ll answer anything you want to know. A lot of people with disabilities might not be so open but I think for a lot of service members they would rather answer the questions and not get stared at like they’re a freak show or something.
Abby: I think as hard as it may seem at the time, you have to block out that outside influence. At first it’s so overwhelming. Once you get out and into the public it’s more of a sympathy thing. The thought behind it is great, but sometimes you get that feeling that they’re just doing this because you’re in a wheelchair as opposed to doing it because of what you stand for. We get that a lot. Or there are the moms who say to their kids “Shh, don’t point at his legs.”
B.J.: I put cartoons on my legs to give kids the opportunity to focus on the cartoons and break the ice. I’ll say "hey do you like this cartoon?" And then you can get into the fact that people are different and things happen, and you’ve got different medical issues and you’ve got brown hair and I’ve got blond hair. That kind of opens that whole realm of answering questions. We want to let parents know that it’s OK to ask questions, and we get to educate their kids at the same time.
Abby: But are parents telling their kids to “shh” because its something they are afraid their child will experience in life or are they telling them to “shh” because they themselves are embarrassed? I don’t think it bothers B.J. as much as it bothers me, but I think when people are really timid about that it makes me question society today. Kids are so truthful and completely honest. And I think when you take the opportunity to teach them something you have to think -- are you teaching them just to look the other way, or are you teaching them that this is neat? I think that as a new soldier or service member that’s coming back if they can take that time and maybe not “shh” themselves and look the other way, but take the time to teach somebody. I hope that’s what me and B.J. do. Because that’s our goal -- to not be “shh.”
Rejection and Trust
We live with so many sexual expectations of ourselves and our partners, and when one partner experiences a major change it can throw expectations off. At times like those, according to Abby, communication is essential.
Abby: It was so important that he was open and honest with me at first. I mean the ultimate feeling when someone tells you no, is rejection, and to be rejected at first without an explanation can be a little devastating and that’s where a lot of people waver, wondering, is this something that I did, why are you rejecting me?
A lot of it becomes personal. If you’re a service member or anyone who just recently experienced something new, and you can’t get a grasp on who you are, the last thing your concerned about is can your partner get a grasp on who they are. You’re more concerned if they can get a grasp on who you are.
B.J. has said he was more concerned with whether I wanted to have sex with him for hi,m or did I just want to have sex to have sex.
Once he said, “Hey, it hurts when I get an erection, or I’m not comfortable with myself right now and I just need to take five for myself. [And] I love you and I would love to lay here and hold you and tell you you’re the greatest thing in the world right now but I can’t be that other side for you” -- the minute he said that I was like “oohhh, OK, well I’m willing to wait and I want you to be comfortable, too,” and I think that’s just the bond.
I think a lot of people skip over that and just say no I’m not going to have sex right now, or however they used to put their partner off on hold and I think over time putting their partner on hold for so long, the partner begins to feel rejected and may search for it elsewhere, and I think that’s where a lot of problems can be leading to.
Especially, and I’ll be the first to admit this, when a service member goes overseas in country for a long time and then come back your instant reaction is did you find someone else while you’re over there? In all reality that is the thought in the back of everyone’s head. The thought did cross my head once or twice. Actually it was my grandfather who put it there. He said to me “well, if you were in another country and you thought you might die tomorrow you don’t think you’d have sex with somebody?” And I was like thanks grandpa! And then I started questioning myself. I think that comes back to every spouse. Are you rejecting me because you’ve found something different and you don’t know how to tell me? I think a lot of questions go through people’s heads and it’s important to talk about it. I did ask B.J., I told him what my grandpa said, and he just smiled and said no, that never happened.
