Robert "B.J." Jackson enlisted in the Iowa National Guard when he was 19. Four years later, he was deployed to Iraq. On August 7, 2003 -- his first day off in over a month -- the Humvee that B.J. was driving through Baghdad hit a landmine. B.J. was severely burned and as a result of his injuries he lost both his legs below the knees. B.J. and his wife Abby live in Des Moines, Iowa with their three children (with a fourth on the way). Abby works in residential homes for people with developmental disabilities and B.J. is a national spokesperson for the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes.
How important do you think talking about sex is to the fact that you guys have a healthy sexual relationship?
B.J.:I think if you’re going to be with someone sexually hopefully you’ll want to be with them for at least a little while, and if you’re going to be with someone for a while, or the rest of your life, you’re going to have to be able to talk about sex.
Abby:I think that when you trust someone enough to get to the point where you’re going to have sex or be in a sexual relationship I think you should be able to trust that partner and tell them everything you feel. And I think if you don’t have that, you shouldn’t be having sex with that person.
Some people get a little nervous, and I can understand that. B.J. is not the most open guy about a lot of things. Sex and death, which are some of my favorite topics, are his least favorite. But I feel like I can always tell him something.
Being pregnant with a double amputee you run into a lot of different sex challenges. Where for most people being pregnant is just one challenge or being a double amputee is a challenge now we’re facing both and so I think now we talk a lot more in the bedroom about what’s going to work, or how we have to switch sides. I think if other people could do that it would be a lot easier for them. But they have to make sure they can do that with their partner.
It was so important that he was open and honest with me at first. I mean the ultimate feeling when someone tells you no, is rejection, and to be rejected at first without an explanation can be a little devastating and that’s where a lot of people waver, wondering, is this something that I did, why are you rejecting me.
A lot of it becomes personal. If you’re a service member or anyone who just recently experienced something new, and you can’t get a grasp on who you are, the last thing your concerned about is can your partner get a grasp on who they are. You’re more concerned if they can get a grasp on who you are.
B.J. has said he was more concerned with whether I wanted to have sex with him for him or did I just want to have sex to have sex.
Once he said “hey, it hurts when I get an erection or I’m not comfortable with myself right now and I just need to take five for myself I love you and I would love to lay here and hold you and tell you you’re the greatest thing in the world right now but I can’t be that other side for you.” The minute he said that I was like “oohhh, okay well I’m willing to wait and I want you to be comfortable too” and I think that’s just the bond.
I think a lot of people skip over that and just say no I’m not going to have sex right now, however they used to put their partner off on hold and I think over time putting their partner on hold for so long the partner begins to feel rejected and may search for it elsewhere, and I think that’s where a lot of problems can be leading to.
Especially, and I’ll be the first to admit this, when a service member goes overseas in country for a long time and then come back your instant reaction is did you find someone else while you’re over there? In all reality that is the thought in the back of everyone’s head. The thought did cross my head once or twice. Actually it was my grandfather who put it there. He said to me “well if you were in another country and you thought you might die tomorrow you don’t think you’d have sex with somebody?” And I was like thanks grandpa! And then I started questioning myself. I think that comes back to every spouse. Are you rejecting me because you’ve found something different and you don’t know how to tell me? I think a lot of questions go through people’s heads and it’s important to talk about it. I did ask B.J., I told him what my grandpa said, and he just smiled and said no, that never happened.
Read the complete interview with B.J. and Abby Jackson.
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