There are two different concerns people e-mail me about on a semi-regular basis. The first is hesitancy to try a vibrator, fearing that either the user (or his/her partner) will end up liking the vibrator more than sex, or feeling like the vibrator is "needed" to enjoy sex. The second is the experience of not being able to orgasm without one.
My response to both concerns is first to clarify that, unequivocally, you can’t become “addicted” to a vibrator. The model of addiction doesn’t apply here, and even if in some twisted way it did, there’s simply nothing to indicate that anyone -- even regular vibrator users -- “need” their vibrators. (Although it makes me wonder whether vibrator withdrawal, if such a thing existed, would include “the shakes.”) Long physiology lesson made short: If you can experience orgasm from one kind of stimulation, you can learn to experience it from other kinds of stimulation. This doesn’t mean we can learn to orgasm from any stimulation; it’s possible that whatever kinds of partner sex you’re having may not do it. But this isn’t the fault of the vibrator -- it’s a sign that you need to get more creative in the ways you have sex.
Fear of addiction or dependency needn’t keep you from trying out a vibrator. I’d also like to point out that vibrators aren’t necessary for a fun and thrilling sex life, and you should only try one out if it feels right.
For folks with the second worry, the answer is a bit longer, but no scarier (I promise). You may be someone who never had an orgasm until you used a vibrator. This isn’t an uncommon experience. And maybe now, having had orgasms while playing with a vibrator with your partner, you want to experience orgasms without a vibrator. This too can be done. Using a vibrator is an easy (or easier) way to orgasm. Still, once you’ve established the neural and what we might call the subjective experiential pathways of orgasm, you can bring that experience to other kinds of sex play. It may take some time, patience, and practice, but it can be done. One way to start is by trying to orgasm during masturbation without your vibrator. If you can do that then you can help your partner by talking about what works and what doesn’t in terms of getting you to the point of orgasm. You might even try another intermediary step of mutual masturbation. Keep in mind that very few women orgasm from penile-vaginal penetration alone. Bringing orgasm without a vibrator into your sexual repertoire with a partner will likely call for more creativity and communication. But in most, if not all cases, it can be done.
