Every other week Doing It Decent considers the ethics of a sexual situation from our readers. Grappling with a touchy sexual ethics issue? Here's how to send in a question to Doing It Decent. Send an email to sexuality@aboutguide.com, and be sure to put DID in the subject line. All questions will be posted anonymously with identifying information removed.
Public Sex, Right or Wrong?
My girlfriend and I both work from home and last Wednesday we took a lunch break to go for a walk in our local park (which I’ll add is usually deserted). I was feeling bored and horny and suggested to my girlfriend that we have sex in an area almost completely hidden by bushes. She didn’t want to and said it was wrong, I think she’s just a prude. Is there anything to her argument?
You haven’t given me enough to go on to speak directly to your girlfriends’ supposed prudishness or the reasonableness of her argument. But I can tell you that if you wanted to have sex with me in a park in the middle of the day I’d have a picnic basket full of reasons why it is, indeed, unethical.
Whenever we think of the ethics of sex in public we must think of consent. Let’s say you did have sex in that park. And let’s say that just as you were building to a magnificent climax I round the corner on my bike. Our eyes meet for a brief moment. You’re sweaty and vulnerable; I’m sweaty and surprised. In that moment I’d say I’ve become part of the sex your having. I couldn’t have anticipated it, I wasn’t asked if I wanted it, and now I’ve got to go to work with the image of your pre-orgasm face burned into my brain. I’d say this constitutes non-consensual sex and therefore of unethical sex as well. It’s as if you were crank calling people and trying to keep them on the phone while you masturbated to orgasm. If they never knew, you could say there was no harm, but that doesn’t mean doing it is ethical. If you believe that ethical sex must be consensual, then this kind of sex in a park is out for you, my woodsy friend.
Which is not to say that all sex in all parks is unethical. Context and the concept of reasonable effort apply here. If you’re in a park or other location where people have a reasonable expectation that they may see people having sex (in whatever form) then the onus is on them, not you. And lest readers of this column begin to think that ethical sex = boring sex, I would also suggest that if you have sex in public but make a significant effort to insure that no one sees you, that you could consider that to be ethical. Illegal in most states, but not necessarily unethical.
