Doing It Decent is a column where we consider the ethics of a sexual situation posed by our readers. Grappling with a touchy sexual ethics issue? Here's how to send in a question to Doing It Decent. Send me an email and be sure to put DID in the subject line. All questions will be posted anonymously with identifying information removed.
If They Don’t Ask, Do You Tell?
I’m dating a girl I’m really into and think it could be serious. We’ve started talking about our sexual pasts and I almost told her about a few drunken fooling around situations with other guys. I’ve never told any of my girlfriends about it, but I’ve also never been this serious about a girlfriend before. The problem is that I know her family is super religious and I think she might freak out. If I think she might be the one, is it wrong for me not to tell?
Ethics doesn’t offer simple answers, and the ethical dilemma you raise is one that ethicists (the professionals and the rest of us) have been debating for years. To borrow a term your girlfriend’s parents might appreciate, your question is really about the sin of omission. In your case, is it wrong not to tell a partner about a past sexual experience?
We might begin by asking what right your girlfriend has to knowing about your sexual past at all. The process of revealing ones sexual past is one that takes time and I’m not aware of a specific societal expectation with regards to how much detail and when. One way of thinking about this would hold that the answer depends on the nature of your relationship. You describe it as serious, but more specifically have either of you declared intentions or desires for a particular kind of commitment? It seems reasonable to think that how much you disclose depends on whether you’re planning on spending a few hours, a few months, or the rest of your life together. On the other hand, since no one can predict the future of a relationship, should your current assessment of it’s “seriousness” be the measure of how much to share?
Let’s get back to the sin of omission concept. You’ve said that you think she might freak out. The question is whether or not your ethical responsibility changes based on your guessing that she may not be comfortable with people who have same sex experiences. There’s no right answer here.
Would you feel different if you knew for sure that she had a problem with this. What if she said to you “I’d never want to be in a relationship with someone who has slept with other guys”. Would that make you feel like you’d want to, or have to, tell her about these hook ups? If your answer is yes, you can always ask her a hypothetical question. Just be careful with hypotheticals. If she’s in love with you and you’re in love with her, her real answer may differ from her hypothetical one.
Because we live in a homophobic society, which means we’ve all got a little homophobia in us, I think you also need to keep one eye on how your understanding of guy/guy sex is influencing your thinking.
Let me propose something you might find radical. The fact that you had these experiences with guys doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It doesn’t mean you’re gay or bisexual or questioning. It doesn’t mean you’ll have sex with a man again (or that you won’t). It is you who give meaning and context to it. You’ve pulled these experiences out of all others from your past, and it’s worth asking why. For example, if your past experiences also include group sex, or sex with your best friend’s mother, but you haven’t disclosed those, why are you not worried about that lack of disclosure? There’s no question that guys having sex with guys is treated differently in our society, but that doesn’t mean you have to treat it differently also.
While I don’t think there’s an ethical duty to disclose your complete sexual history I would argue that it’s reasonable for someone in a committed relationship to expect to understand how their partner thinks about themselves sexually, and how they identify. Of course this will change over time, and even from situation to situation. A partner needs to understand and make room for that. But some level of intimate disclosure is a reasonable expectation.
If you agree with this then it follows that you accepts a responsibility to think about how you make sense of your sexuality in the here and now, and how important these guy/guy experiences you’ve pulled out are to you.
Ultimately, if you feel that by not telling your girlfriend about it, you’re hiding part of yourself, or pretending to be something you aren’t, whether ethical or not, I’d say it’s a bad move and one that’s not likely to end in a healthy and happy relationship.
