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My Partner's Penis Is Too Big

Tips on making sex more comfortable with a big penis

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Updated May 19, 2014

Young Couple in Bed
Betsie Van der Meer/The Image Bank/Getty Images
“I’ve just started having sex with this really great guy but I’m having a major problem with the size of his dick. Basically it’s gigantic. I haven’t measured it but it’s longer and wider than anything I’ve seen. I was totally shocked because he’s kind of short and he’s not that buff or anything, he’s actually pretty skinny. The first time we had sex it was okay, although I was sore the next day and then got a urinary tract infection which meant no sex for a while. Now I guess I’m a bit nervous every time we try. Can you help?”

There are many drawbacks to our obsession with penis size. One of them is that the very real problems experienced by men with big penises -- and by their partners -- are often minimized. I don't know if you've spoken with friends about the situation but I know people who have been in your position, and all their friends say are things like "I should be so lucky" and "You shouldn't complain!" This isn't helpful at all.

Although few people talk about it for fear of sounding like they're bragging, the truth is that it’s hard to be on either end of the average penis size distribution, because everything is set up for people in the middle, making everyone else feel like they just have to grin and bear it, and also feel like there is something wrong with them.

It would be helpful for you to start by thinking through whether it's the length or width or both that is making sex uncomfortable or painful for you. A long penis can hurt because during penetration it can hit the cervix. A wide penis may feel like its stretching you too much and it can also lead to more bacterial infections if it’s rubbing (and irritating) your urethra. Below are suggestions for dealing with both size issues, but it’s worth taking a moment to size up your problem in greater detail (I promise that’s the last pun in this article).

Are you aroused enough?
As part of female sexual response, arousal brings with it physical changes that will help deal with a bigger penis. In particular, most women will produce vaginal lubrication, and as arousal increases their vagina will expand. If you’re used to intercourse with a partner who has a small or medium-sized penis, you may have been able to comfortably have penetration before you were fully turned on. If your partner is bigger you may need to wait until you’re very aroused, mentally and physically, before moving to penetration. Adding more clitoral stimulation (or wherever you know you’re most easily aroused) or using a vibrator can be a fun and effective way to make sure your body is as ready as your mind is.

Add lube
If you haven’t already discovered the joys of lubricant, now is the time. These days there are dozens of different brands of lube (organic, sugar-free, espresso-flavored, etc.), and they all make sex more comfortable and fun by making it more slippery. Some women say they don’t "need" lube because they lubricate a lot on their own. If you’re having intercourse with someone with a big penis using extra lube is always recommended. Experiment with a few different kinds to see if a thicker or thinner lube is best for you, and if you’re already prone to yeast infections, avoid lubricants with glycerin.

Recommended sex positions
If one or both of you are constantly worried that a wrong move is going to cause pain, the sex will suffer. Sex positions are another way to deal with discomfort due to a partner who has a large penis. The best sex position will be one that allows both of you control over the depth and angle of penetration and offers as much movement as possible. Avoid positions that allow for deep penetration (e.g., rear entry sex position) and favor positions that give you more control.

There’s no easy answer here, since something like the woman on top position does allow you to control the depth of penetration, but doing so becomes a workout for your legs. The missionary position gives the person doing the penetrating control over the depth of thrusting, but if you’re the one on the bottom there’s no much you can do. The key is to experiment until you find a few that work well.

Products for longer penises
There are products you can buy in sex stores that are designed with the longer penis in mind. Often called penis limiters or sometimes sold as "donuts" for penis pumps these are essentially a think ring of soft rubber or vinyl that slides down the base of the penis and limits the length that will enter the vagina during intercourse. They can seem a bit silly at first, but if your intercourse is fraught with anxiety about one thrust too deep, the freedom they allow can be wonderful.

One last word...condoms
Finding condoms that fit well is a problem for most men. Finding condoms that fit at all can be a major health concern for men who have exceptionally big penises (and their sexual partners). There are a variety of large size condoms available and it’s worth trying a few until you find one that is comfortable and large enough not to break. Men who complain about condoms not fitting may also want to have their partners try the female condom to see if it’s a preferred option.

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