My husband wants me to go to a bar, start talking to a strange man, go off and have sex with him, and then come back and tell him about it. Now, I think this makes for a great fantasy BUT I am not comfortable with really doing this. It does excite me, but it really bothers me too.
We have been married for 33 years. I am not a 20-something year old any more. I love him so much and would do just about anything for him, but I can't do this...He gets very pissed off with me when I don't do this.
How can I get us over this and on with our sex life? Hopefully you can give me some constructive guidance.
You’ve packed a lot into that short email. You may already be aware of this, but, based on Internet traffic, this particular wish is not uncommon. There are scores of chat rooms and porn websites catering to this interest which variously go by the names "cuckold stories" and "cuckold hotwife stories." For the record a cuckold is a husband whose wife is "unfaithful." Many of these sites have complicated gender and racial elements to them worth exploring, but not here. Let me try to offer something constructive.
If you’re looking to get unstuck I’d say the first thing you need to do is break the situation down further. To offer a place to start, here are some of the pieces that jumped out for me in your email.
There really isn’t any circumstance where it’s okay for your partner to try and bully, guilt, or otherwise talk you into doing something you don’t want to do sexually. People go through the motions of sex all the time, but if your partner actually cares about your pleasure you should let him know that pleasure can’t be forced (unless the person is choosing to be forced, which is a different thing altogether). Pressure is not a good reason to try any kind of sex and if someone can’t hear no, they’re probably not going to get to hear yes very often either.
My question would be whether or not you think you’ve been as clear with your husband as you have been in this email. Even in your short email you made a few comments that indicate you have mixed feelings (more on that below) so before assuming that your husband isn’t taking no for an answer I wanted to check that he’s actually heard you say no. Once he has, he needs to stop asking you to do this and deal on his own with his “pissed off” feelings. He has the right to be disappointed, but if he cares about you and the relationship he has to figure out a way to not keep putting his issues and disappointment on your shoulders.
The Difference Between "Not Now" and "Not Ever"
A few of the things you said in your email indicate that there’s something about this idea that intrigues you. Even if that’s only on a fantasy level, it’s possible that you could bring that fantasy into your sex life without bringing a third person in. That is when you’re ready. So it’s helpful for both of you to agree that “not now” means not now, but it doesn’t necessarily mean never. Saying no to something today doesn’t mean you can’t say yes to it tomorrow, or two years from now. Sexual desire isn’t fixed, pretending it is means giving up a lot of your sexual potential.
What You Want vs. What You’re “Supposed” to Want
You say you don’t want to do this but also the idea excites you and that you’re “not a 20-something year old” anymore. If you were 20 would you want to explore having sex outside your marriage? What is specifically about your age that prevents you from considering that? I’m not suggesting you should or shouldn’t, only pointing out that sometimes we accept arbitrary and fickle community and cultural standards about what a woman of a certain age should and shouldn’t do. Let your desires and judgment be your guide. It might be very wise if you live in a small town and have young kids to decide not to go to a public place and pick up a stranger. But that doesn’t mean it can’t ever happen (if you want it to) or it couldn’t happen in some other town (again, if you want it to).
Looking for Compromise
All relationships involve compromise, including sexual ones. If this is something he really wants and you’re not interested in doing it is there something that could satisfy his desire and yours? This might be anything from sexual fantasy role play to bringing sex toys into the bedroom to, if you’re interested, exploring the opportunities to have sex online without ever revealing your actual identity. Some of these options might appeal to you. Or maybe none of them do. But if you’re in a loving relationship I think it’s reasonable for either of you to make a request and have it aired completely instead of being put off or put down as too freaky or dangerous.
Getting Past It
There’s no easy answer to getting through something where you feel stuck, and certainly no answer I can give you via email without knowing you and the situation in more detail. What I can say is that not talking about it is one sure way to stay stuck. If the two of you have tried to talk about it and can’t move forward you may want to try talking to a counselor or sex therapist. There are also some good books about sex that may be of help.
You may want to ask yourself and your partner what specifically it is that you’re trying to get past. I’d be interested in hearing more about what it is about you having sex with someone else that your husband likes the idea of. There may be other ways to get at that desire with different activities that you’d be more interested in. Never assume you know what something means, even if you’ve been with your partner for 33 years.
When it comes to our sexual desires, we remain a mystery to our partners and ourselves for most of our lives. So when you say you want to get past “it” I wonder about what other aspects of your sex life you’d both like to get past, and what elements you definitely don’t want to leave behind. Sexual conflict like this can feel terrible, but it’s also an opportunity if you’re both in a place to take advantage of it.