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Partner Doesn't Make Noise During Sex

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Partner Doesn't Make Noise During Sex
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Question:
My partner makes absolutely no noise during sex, she’s completely silent. I take it as a sign that there’s something wrong with what I’m doing. I need help figuring out how to talk to her about it, and how to please her more, because she’s obviously unsatisfied.

Answer:

We’re all different. Some of us moan and writhe while we eat while others are quiet culinary appreciators. The same is true for sex.

The first thing to know is that there’s no direct correlation between silence during sex and lack of enjoyment of sex.  I wouldn't make the leap you are, from no noise to the assumption that she's unsatisfied.  We know surprisingly little about sex sounds. Of course what this means is that what we do "know" mostly comes from movies, shampoo commercials, and our own sample of sexual experiences.

Not exactly a representational sample.


You should also consider the fact that silence, in addition to being golden, is relative. There’s no objective optimal amount of sound a person makes that means they’re enjoying sex or having an orgasm. Like almost everything else to do with sexual response, the kinds and volume of noise a person makes is unique to them.

Still, if you’re partner’s silence is a problem for you, or getting in the way of your own enjoyment, it’s definitely worth talking about. Ask your partner about it. Does it mean anything? If so, what? Try not to make it about you. If they sense that a certain answer is going to be an ego-crusher they may try to, ahem, soften the blow. Make it clear that your interest is not in proving your own stellar sex skills, but in wanting to make sure they’re enjoying the sex you’re having.

If it turns out that they’re interested in losing the silence and want to start making some noise during sex, there are a few ways to get the sex sounds rolling. If the lack of noise is due to shyness, you might want to start just by exploring conscious breathing during sex. Along with breath comes a little noise, and this can be a less threatening way to ease into making sounds during sex.

If it isn’t about shyness, you can always start with dirty talk which might feel less primal than unfamiliar grunting and groaning.

Another idea is to do a little vocal warm up. Before you have sex, put on some loud music you both love singing along to and belt it out.

It’s hard, but try to remember that the kinds of sex sounds you see in mainstream media and pornography doesn’t represent anyone. Some people do make a lot of noise during sex, but the goal should be for both you and your partner to feel at ease and free to make as much or as little noise as feels right at the time.

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