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Readers Respond: How Do You Define Sexual Compatibility?

Responses: 22

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From the article: Sexual Compatibility
There’s no single definition for sexual compatibility, and researchers rarely ask us what we think it means. Is sexual compatibility something you just have or don’t? Is it about shared sexual interests and drives that grease the wheels, or is it the tension between desires that don’t fit perfectly that creates the friction and heat? Have you been in relationships where you knew you weren’t compatible and ones where it just clicked?

Its the glue that holds us together

I've been married many years. Sexual compatibility is what has held us together. Outside the bedroom, we are very different from the other. Our marriage would not have survived had it not been for our sexual compatibility.
—Guest Enjoy

It's more that just Sex

sexual compatibility is more that just hormones.It is a willingness to please your partner in the fashion most suited to them.It is enjoying them in all the other aspects of your relationship.it is as much about,the lingering looks that unbidden touch the moments that most do not count for much that both bring' and keeps a relationship going.A vagina is a vagina and a penis is a penis it is what comes along with it that makes a couple compatible
—Guest Jose martinez

It's a ridiculous concept

Human beings are sexually compatible. What people see as a lack of compatibility is much more a lack of love, a lack of understanding, a lack of commitment. In love, my heart's desire is to please my beloved; her desire, to please me. Whatever our preceding sexual history, whatever our prior sexual preferences, we change (without second thought) to better suit the one we love. When you find yourself with someone who is unwilling to do that, it is not a sexual compatibility issue, it is a matter of love (or the lack thereof). Without love, sexual compatibility is much a matter of mechanics -- getting a shoe that doesn't pinch -- and if that's all it is, that's sad because it can be so much more!
—Zalmar

Conscious Sexual Compatability

I can identify with this young buck's insecurities when I was his age, as far-removed that may now seem to me at 45. Sex was a quick validation of my very low-self esteem, reflected in my willingness to have unprotected sex rather than suffer the pain of possible rejection. To be clear, I regret nothing and accept responsibility for my actions...all of 'em. Through years of therapy and self-exploration, I developed a very secure and satisfying self-esteem after accepting/embracing my own sexual history, fantasies and desires thus challenging myself to remain open to others', particularly if not within my sexual comfort zone. I developed very clear boundaries and communication within my (now) 11 year relationship based primarily on those leading up to the next. When my bf and I first met, our hormones went NUTZ...we were both at our sexual/physical peak and expressed our mutual desire for the other to 'have his day'. J/O became a greater part of my ID by choice as opposed to by default
—alphatop

It's About Fun and Connection

I think sexual compatibility is important, you need to be with someone who responds on what you do in bed. Some girls that I have performed oral sex on with fingers have responded very well to the stimulation, others didn't really enjoy them. I think I enjoy seeing my partner moan and groan in bed, it makes me feel that she is being pleasured by me. The same can be said when my partner doesn't respond... some people say it's chemistry, passion... Sex should be fun, both should enjoy each others company. my 2 cents.
—Guest Andy

Compatability Is Physical and Willful

Sexual compatibility is so unpredictable. Someone you are very physically attracted to and really "turns you on" with their sexiness does not mean you will be sexually compatible with them. The sex could be completely boring, not hot at all. I feel that compatibility has a lot to do with the physical anatomy and willingness to give of yourself during the sexual experience. I have had incredible sex with someone I have not really been that attracted to but for some reason our anatomy matched and with both felt it as soon as we started to have sex.
—Guest bruce

Compatibility Before Sex

Premarital fans don't want to work at sexual compatibility. They are UNIVERSALLY lazy. So when they are not handed it within the first five minutes, they dump each other. And the more sexual partners they have, the more their chemical bonding ability is impaired. And they lived happily ever after? I don't think so. Contrast this with two spouses who dedicated their lives to each other (BEFORE any sex) and are committed to please each other.
—Guest Recipe For Unhappiness

Best Straight Sex I Ever Had

I used to be straight. By that, I mean that I led a life that was straight for all intents and purposes except for my fantasy life, which was strictly gay. But in that straight life, I was married, and subsequently divorced. After a few years of being single, I met Joyce. Joyce was a sweet woman and I still love her, though we broke up a while ago. We met in 1995 and broke up in late 1996. In that period, we had extremely good sex. We were, indeed, compatible. The compatibility between us stemmed from our desire to enjoy each other sexually to the fullest. Oral sex, which for so many women is taboo, was easy for Joyce to engage in. We spooned when we slept, we got terrifically involved in our sexual escapades because we knew each others desires - without asking - we knew our own desires and needs. She used to tell me I had "stanima" (stamina) because I could last a long time. Many don't want intercourse to last a long time; she loved it. The best straight sex I ever had!
—dollahsign

Sexual Compatibility Develops Desire

I am currently in a wonderfully sexual, and very intimate relationship with a wonderful man. He and I met a few years ago, when I was beginning to seriously explore my sexuality and come to grips with being gay. It took me some time to warm to the idea of being actively sexual with him, but oh wow am I glad I did. Our first sexual experience was so wonderful and so luscious that we can't get enough of each other. True compatibility engenders a desire to please each other. Oral sex, for example, is something that straight couples particularly struggle with (women, anyway). For us, it's so natural a part of our caring for each other...it's almost magical in a sense. Beyond that, the mere act of locking lips is a sexual turn-on. The kiss is usually the prelude, but it's far more than that when there's compatibility. We're so famiilar with each other and with each others bodies that our kisses can go on and on and on. I am so happy to think about him right now.....
—dollahsign

Guys Need Sex

My girlfriend of four years isn't into anything at all and has zero sex drive. I'm not far from splitting up with her because of it. I'm not a raving beast either. Guys basically need to have sex and there's no point in crying into a tissue when he does the secretary.
—Guest nutsak

Sexual Compatibility is Passion

There's no such thing as lasting sexual compatibility. People often times think that they're not compatible with someone because their brain isn't sending the right signal to their body. It's as simple as that. And that can fluctuate. You know when you often feel the heat with someone, but then that heat may dissipate and later sex would feel dull. Then you need someone new to feel "compatible again" when in truth what we really need is patience and the emotions to work things through to bring that sexual tension to a compatible level. The person you're compatible with now can be no good tomorrow, and the person you're having trouble with now can be sexually compatible tomorrow. It all depends on knowledge of using your own tool effectively and your partners needs + tension and yearning. I've done a lot of experimenting to reach this conclusion. Sometimes sex can be good and sometimes bad and then good again all with the same person. So I would say sexual compatibility means passion.
—Guest TooGood

Satisfying sex brings compatibility

I had never heard about the CAT, but find some truth in the possibility. I have always enjoyed sex, but found that sometimes had to work hard to orgasm (i.e.: faster, harder, etc). I have found someone that seems to fit me completely and the sex is slow methodical and complete. We climax together at the end, even after having several orgasms before he is ready without having to work at it as hard. It has been so great, it has brought me to tears at times. I didn't think making love could be so satisfying.
—Guest MzPeachesfromGA

Keep trying for sexual compatibility

I think we have a 95% marriage which is great for me. It's my second marriage but this one is with great love and I think that is the bottom line. Compatibility has to be worked on and after 7 years of marriage. I hope I live long enough to have it arrive to 100%. I am going on 80 this year.
—Guest bertrojo

sexually compatible at any age

It is when you just fit. No matter where or when you are doing it it just works. It doesn't matter your age.
—Guest prairie

Complex indeed

When I was young it was about the look, then as I matured it was about the person their character strengths. I need someone who is funny, caring, loving has a passion for their life, their family and others, smart and witty. I think there is so much more then then just the act of sexual satisfaction to be compatible, for example when he makes me laugh, when we sit and talk about nothing or something for hours or we are sitting on the couch holding each other I find myself wanting him, when after a recent biopsy he was in pain yet he made me laugh knowing how worried I was, he has such strength in the worst moments this only makes me desire him more. Without that to me sex is just getting off and afterward feels so empty. Looks are fading, connecting to someone in a deep level is ever growing.
—lostinakron
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