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Readers Respond: How Do You Define Sexual Compatibility?

Responses: 25


From the article: Sexual Compatibility
There’s no single definition for sexual compatibility, and researchers rarely ask us what we think it means. Is sexual compatibility something you just have or don’t? Is it about shared sexual interests and drives that grease the wheels, or is it the tension between desires that don’t fit perfectly that creates the friction and heat? Have you been in relationships where you knew you weren’t compatible and ones where it just clicked? What Do You Think?

Over time Things Change...then what?

My bf and I have been together 22 years. We were hot and heavy for 5 yrs. Then I got chronically ill, and was given drugs that made me fat and destroyed my sexual desire. Over time I got a hold of the weight thing, but my ability to orgasm was very compromised. I told my bf many times that I really enjoyed sex/penetration with /without orgasm and would really like to have sex. This made him really upset and he said he didn't want sex if I didn't "enjoy it," which was not what I said at all! Eventually I was given testosterone, the tables turned, and my drive returned like gangbusters. Now my bf says he is too old (70) and he is so out of practice that he has no sex drive any more (he hold me responsible for this). He is seeing an endocrinologist but will not go to couples therapy (and he is a therapist!). I feel stuck and unhappy. We are very close in many other ways and I don't think either of us wants to end the relationship, but I am at my wit's end with this. Suggestions?
—Guest MRMB

When it clicks ... and it feels magical.

If people have the same opinion about the role of sex, it helps. If a man and woman think of sex as a recreational activity that brings them closer together, it will. If a woman enjoys making the bedroom a playroom, it becomes a lot easier for her man to reciprocate. Conversely, if a man wants to play, but cannot encourage his woman to consider sex fun, it probably won't be. And if two people consider sex a sacred act that is bound by rules, well, perhaps the similar views will lead them to be "compatible", too. My best experiences had been since I out grew my "inhibitions" and learned to make together alone time = fun time! It really works when both partners feel the same way, and is even better if there is a feeling of trust and commitment between them.
—Guest G4 GS

it's complex

I never really knew I loved sex so much until I met my lover. And analyzing what makes our sex hot makes me wonder if it all comes down to the right penis-vagina match... We fit there as if we were custom made for each other. And we have very similar sexual drives. And, to top it off, we are crazy for each other's smell. I can't get enough of his smell, on the nights when we are not together, I sleep with his underwear on my face. And we have similar desires and ways to bring them to fruition. So what is the sexual compatibility equation? intense intellectual connection + anatomical compatibility + the right smell + matching sex drives + matching technique + fit and healthy bodies = amazing sex.
—Guest LittleRedRidingHood

Its the glue that holds us together

I've been married many years. Sexual compatibility is what has held us together. Outside the bedroom, we are very different from the other. Our marriage would not have survived had it not been for our sexual compatibility.
—Guest Enjoy

It's more that just Sex

sexual compatibility is more that just hormones.It is a willingness to please your partner in the fashion most suited to them.It is enjoying them in all the other aspects of your relationship.it is as much about,the lingering looks that unbidden touch the moments that most do not count for much that both bring' and keeps a relationship going.A vagina is a vagina and a penis is a penis it is what comes along with it that makes a couple compatible
—Guest Jose martinez

It's a ridiculous concept

Human beings are sexually compatible. What people see as a lack of compatibility is much more a lack of love, a lack of understanding, a lack of commitment. In love, my heart's desire is to please my beloved; her desire, to please me. Whatever our preceding sexual history, whatever our prior sexual preferences, we change (without second thought) to better suit the one we love. When you find yourself with someone who is unwilling to do that, it is not a sexual compatibility issue, it is a matter of love (or the lack thereof). Without love, sexual compatibility is much a matter of mechanics -- getting a shoe that doesn't pinch -- and if that's all it is, that's sad because it can be so much more!

Conscious Sexual Compatability

I can identify with this young buck's insecurities when I was his age, as far-removed that may now seem to me at 45. Sex was a quick validation of my very low-self esteem, reflected in my willingness to have unprotected sex rather than suffer the pain of possible rejection. To be clear, I regret nothing and accept responsibility for my actions...all of 'em. Through years of therapy and self-exploration, I developed a very secure and satisfying self-esteem after accepting/embracing my own sexual history, fantasies and desires thus challenging myself to remain open to others', particularly if not within my sexual comfort zone. I developed very clear boundaries and communication within my (now) 11 year relationship based primarily on those leading up to the next. When my bf and I first met, our hormones went NUTZ...we were both at our sexual/physical peak and expressed our mutual desire for the other to 'have his day'. J/O became a greater part of my ID by choice as opposed to by default

It's About Fun and Connection

I think sexual compatibility is important, you need to be with someone who responds on what you do in bed. Some girls that I have performed oral sex on with fingers have responded very well to the stimulation, others didn't really enjoy them. I think I enjoy seeing my partner moan and groan in bed, it makes me feel that she is being pleasured by me. The same can be said when my partner doesn't respond... some people say it's chemistry, passion... Sex should be fun, both should enjoy each others company. my 2 cents.
—Guest Andy

Compatability Is Physical and Willful

Sexual compatibility is so unpredictable. Someone you are very physically attracted to and really "turns you on" with their sexiness does not mean you will be sexually compatible with them. The sex could be completely boring, not hot at all. I feel that compatibility has a lot to do with the physical anatomy and willingness to give of yourself during the sexual experience. I have had incredible sex with someone I have not really been that attracted to but for some reason our anatomy matched and with both felt it as soon as we started to have sex.
—Guest bruce

Compatibility Before Sex

Premarital fans don't want to work at sexual compatibility. They are UNIVERSALLY lazy. So when they are not handed it within the first five minutes, they dump each other. And the more sexual partners they have, the more their chemical bonding ability is impaired. And they lived happily ever after? I don't think so. Contrast this with two spouses who dedicated their lives to each other (BEFORE any sex) and are committed to please each other.
—Guest Recipe For Unhappiness

Best Straight Sex I Ever Had

I used to be straight. By that, I mean that I led a life that was straight for all intents and purposes except for my fantasy life, which was strictly gay. But in that straight life, I was married, and subsequently divorced. After a few years of being single, I met Joyce. Joyce was a sweet woman and I still love her, though we broke up a while ago. We met in 1995 and broke up in late 1996. In that period, we had extremely good sex. We were, indeed, compatible. The compatibility between us stemmed from our desire to enjoy each other sexually to the fullest. Oral sex, which for so many women is taboo, was easy for Joyce to engage in. We spooned when we slept, we got terrifically involved in our sexual escapades because we knew each others desires - without asking - we knew our own desires and needs. She used to tell me I had "stanima" (stamina) because I could last a long time. Many don't want intercourse to last a long time; she loved it. The best straight sex I ever had!

Sexual Compatibility Develops Desire

I am currently in a wonderfully sexual, and very intimate relationship with a wonderful man. He and I met a few years ago, when I was beginning to seriously explore my sexuality and come to grips with being gay. It took me some time to warm to the idea of being actively sexual with him, but oh wow am I glad I did. Our first sexual experience was so wonderful and so luscious that we can't get enough of each other. True compatibility engenders a desire to please each other. Oral sex, for example, is something that straight couples particularly struggle with (women, anyway). For us, it's so natural a part of our caring for each other...it's almost magical in a sense. Beyond that, the mere act of locking lips is a sexual turn-on. The kiss is usually the prelude, but it's far more than that when there's compatibility. We're so famiilar with each other and with each others bodies that our kisses can go on and on and on. I am so happy to think about him right now.....

Guys Need Sex

My girlfriend of four years isn't into anything at all and has zero sex drive. I'm not far from splitting up with her because of it. I'm not a raving beast either. Guys basically need to have sex and there's no point in crying into a tissue when he does the secretary.
—Guest nutsak

Sexual Compatibility is Passion

There's no such thing as lasting sexual compatibility. People often times think that they're not compatible with someone because their brain isn't sending the right signal to their body. It's as simple as that. And that can fluctuate. You know when you often feel the heat with someone, but then that heat may dissipate and later sex would feel dull. Then you need someone new to feel "compatible again" when in truth what we really need is patience and the emotions to work things through to bring that sexual tension to a compatible level. The person you're compatible with now can be no good tomorrow, and the person you're having trouble with now can be sexually compatible tomorrow. It all depends on knowledge of using your own tool effectively and your partners needs + tension and yearning. I've done a lot of experimenting to reach this conclusion. Sometimes sex can be good and sometimes bad and then good again all with the same person. So I would say sexual compatibility means passion.
—Guest TooGood

Satisfying sex brings compatibility

I had never heard about the CAT, but find some truth in the possibility. I have always enjoyed sex, but found that sometimes had to work hard to orgasm (i.e.: faster, harder, etc). I have found someone that seems to fit me completely and the sex is slow methodical and complete. We climax together at the end, even after having several orgasms before he is ready without having to work at it as hard. It has been so great, it has brought me to tears at times. I didn't think making love could be so satisfying.
—Guest MzPeachesfromGA

What Do You Think?

How Do You Define Sexual Compatibility?

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  6. Sexual Compatibility – What Makes People Sexually Compatible?

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