It's a common belief that male sexuality is simple. It doesn't help that, at least in public, finding men willing to talk and write honestly about sexuality is a challenge. The result is a flourishing of stereotypes and ignorance about male sexuality. Here is a crash course on key aspects of male sexuality that everyone should know about.
1. A Penis Doesn't Make a Man
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It's true that the way sex is assigned at birth is all about the penis. But there's a difference between sex and gender
, and one doesn't become less of a man without a penis, or without a penis that does the things we're told it's supposed to do. No one body part defines our gender or our holistic experience of our bodies or ourselves.
2. Penis Size Isn't A Simple Measure
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Given the focus on the penis, it will come as no surprise that those who have one, worry about the size of it, a lot. Sadly, they usually do this with little understanding of what the average penis size
is, or how much their partners really care about penis size
. The truth is that most people agree that penis size isn't nearly as important as things like overall sexual interest, sexual technique, and sexual compatibility. All things that have much more to do with the organ between ones ears than the one between ones legs.
3. Men Don't Always Want Sex
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This is a particularly pernicious idea. No one always wants sex. And yet the idea that somehow men are always ready, willing, and eager for sex leads men to have sex with they don't want to, and contributes to the silence around men as victims of sexual assault and abuse.
Men are human, and like all humans their sex drive goes up and down, and is impacted by mood, health, energy, and stress, to name just a few factors.
4. Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms
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Because most men learn to stimulate themselves to orgasm
with ease, they tend to think they've learned it all by the time their 19. In reality, most men only experience a small percentage of their orgasmic potential. For example, just like some (but not all) women, men can learn to experience male multiple orgasms
5. Men Can Control Ejaculation (most of the time)
While most men experience problems with ejaculation at some point in their lives, many don’t know that the timing of ejaculation can be controlled, most of the time, with relatively simple exercises. There are many myths about premature ejaculation
and these can be difficult to overcome. But getting a better understanding of male sexual response, and learning to control ejaculation
, can also lead to a greater experience of sexual pleasure.
6. Men Can (and do) Use Sex Toys
There is a myth that sex toys
. (vibrators in particular) are for women, and that they are like a stand-in for men. Sex toys don't replace people, they do things none of us can, and the pleasure they facilitate can be for men as much as women. Sex toys can provide incredibly intense stimulation, unlike anything a man has experienced, and using sex toys with a partner can open up all sorts of new possibilities. The product category of male sex toys
grows each year.
7. Men Do Have Some Special Buttons
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While not all men like having it pressed, it's true that the prostate gland can be a source of intense sexual pleasure for men. Often referred to as the "male g spot" or the "p-spot" (a term that seems seriously unsexy to me), prostate stimulation
, done either externally by massaging the perineum
, or internally through penetration, can open up a new world to men who believe there's only one way for them to experience sexual pleasure.
8. Anal Pleasure Is for Straight Guys Too
While not all gay men enjoy or engage in anal sex, most have the opportunity to discover the potential pleasure that anal play can provide.
Unfortunately many heterosexual men still think that if they are interested in exploring a anal pleasure it means they are gay. This isn't true. Of course anyone might be gay, and that's a perfectly wonderful way to be, but the point is that what we do sexually doesn't perfectly mirror how we identify. It's more complicated than that.
Anal play won't make you gay but it may make you very excited. In addition to prostate stimulation, many heterosexual couples are exploring the physical and psychological pleasure of reversing traditional sexual and gender roles. However they do it, once they discover the pleasure of anal play most men never look back.
9. Masturbation Is Good for Men
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Parents often give boys mixed messages about masturbation. They may say it's dirty but they also say boys will be boys. As a result almost all men masturbate throughout their lives, but often do so with feelings of ambivalence. And they rarely talk about their masturbation. Many of the secrets to a man's desires can be found in the way he masturbates, and men who are good at pleasuring themselves can teach their partners what turns them on while exploring new ways to masturbate
10. Male Sexuality Isn't Simple
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This is the single most harmful myth about male sexuality. Because men’s genitalia are external, because they can usually get themselves off easily, because in the west we’re told that men have it “better” than women (as if there were only two genders on the planet) it is assumed that there is nothing new to know about male sexuality. As a result, one could argue that men are among the least sexually evolved and have to work extra hard to discover their own sexual potential. But it's there!