1. People & Relationships
You can opt-out at any time. Please refer to our privacy policy for contact information.

Should I Be Worried About My Wife and Her Dildo?

Your Sexual Questions Answered


The two most common questions I get about sex toy worries are from people concerned that they or their partner will become addicted to a sex toy and people worried that they’re about to be replaced by a sex toy. Often it’s a vibrator, but this e-mailed question from a worried husband about his wife and her dildo raises another common concern.

My answer begins with a question -- why are you worried about your wife and her dildo? Is she literally spending more time with her dildo than with you? Are your conversations at the end of the day punctuated by her telling you about “this really funny thing” her dildo said to her? What is it that her dildo means to you, and have you asked her about what it means to her? OK, that’s more than one question.

Dildos R Us

Obviously, without knowing the situation, I can’t answer this question for anyone specifically. But I want to point out that it’s not the dildo itself that is ever the problem. A dildo is no more a substitute for a penis than a banana is for a cucumber. Just because two things have similar shapes and functions doesn’t mean that one can replace the other. What is likely causing the threatening feeling, and is something worth paying attention to, is what your wife is doing with the dildo.

Remember that dildos are inanimate objects. They are brought to life by a combination of our actual movements and our erotic imaginations. Playing with dildos can be powerful and very real, but a dildo remains a piece of rubber until someone imbues it with something more. If you’re feeling threatened, blaming the dildo misses the point. Are there things your partner is doing alone with the dildo that you don’t want to do? Do you even know how your partner uses the dildo and what she is imagining while she uses it?

Are Dildos Penis Substitutes?

If you’re a man who is worried about his wife’s dildo use (yes, married lesbians can also feel threatened by their partner’s dildo use), I also wonder how much of your worry comes from the idea that the dildo is a penis substitute. Because many guys have such a conflicted relationship with their own genitalia, especially around penis size, it can be easy to take something your wife is doing that’s solely about her pleasure and turn it into something that’s about your personally perceived inadequacies.

Here’s where sexual communication is essential. Talk about it and ask her what she gets out of it. If she likes using a dildo because she doesn’t like sex with you anymore, simply not using the dildo isn’t going to help. What’s more likely is that she likes the variation or the fantasy, or some other aspect of using a dildo, and she’d probably like it as much if not more if you wanted to get involved in some way. In this way, dildo use may not be dissimilar to how a lot of guys use pornography. A female partner may feel threatened by porn because she thinks that it means her partner wants something she doesn’t have.

The Bottom Line

If you focus on the dildo or sex toy as the problem, you’re missing an opportunity either to address what may be a real issue in your sex life or to take an already good sex life a level deeper. Feeling threatened isn’t the problem. You have a right to your own reactions, and they’re probably telling you something you need to listen to. The challenge is to take those feelings and constructively communicate with your partner about both your sexual feelings and concerns.
  1. About.com
  2. People & Relationships
  3. Sexuality
  4. Sex Questions & Answers
  5. Sexual Worries
  6. Should I Be Worried About My Wife and Her Dildo – Sexual Worry About Wife and Dildo

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.