If you can only do one thing to improve your sex life (and this goes for most of us) I want to recommend that you try and stop yourself whenever you are comparing your sex life to someone else's sex life. It’s not easy, but in the long run I promise you’ll be happier and you’ll have so much extra time for sex when you don't have to spend so much time worrying and being anxious about the comparison. The truth is that your experience of sex (and I suppose the experience of the people you're having sex with) is all that really matters.
As for how to tell if you’ve had an orgasm or not, there isn’t a test you can take. After all, orgasm is not just a physical experience, it happens in your body, your mind, possibly even your spirit. And there is no single definition of orgasm. So what would the test measure?
There are however some tell tale signs of what we could call an orgasmic response. This includes things like:
- increased heart rate and blood pressure
- increased muscle tension
- a flush of your skin
- a release of tension followed sometimes by a feeling of deep relaxation
So how can you tell if you’ve had an orgasm? Most people would probably respond by saying “you’ll know when you’ve had one”. This always sounds a little condescending to me though, and if you’ve never had one, how could you know?
Instead I would just ask you whether or not the sex play you’re having is pleasurable. Does it feel good? Does it feel like something you want to do more? Are there times during sex when you want to say or do something but you hold yourself back? Holding back is one way you might be reducing the pleasure you’re feeling, including orgasms.
Trying to figure out if you’ve had an orgasm can also be a dead end, because if you’ve had one, does that mean you stop exploring other ways of feeling good or having orgasms? It’s a cliché that sex is about the journey not the destination. But it's not wrong. Focusing on orgasm is like driving down a one way street that stops at the river. If you focus instead on sexual pleasure, on how you respond and what you can feel, you don’t have to stop at the river bank; you get to jump in the river and float with the current, and you never know where you’ll end up.