Talking dirty to the one you love (or even just the one you’re with) is one of those sexual behaviors people are uncomfortable with the first time they do it ever, or the first time they try it with a new partner. To do it well means letting loose and exposing yourself, which always feels scary the first time. Here are some steps to getting comfortable with dirty talk, and ideas for introducing into your sex play.
Time Required: Learning to talk dirty is a labor of love, it takes time!
- Be Authentic
Dirty talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you’ve seen in the movies. You might have this idea that dirty talk is something specific. But good dirty talk is what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your dirty talk (e.g. the ravished submissive, the dominant boor) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
- Find Your Voice
Your dirty talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality that you rarely get to explore. You don’t need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, when your partner doesn’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!
- Build Your Vocabulary.
Most of us are raised not to swear. Dirty talk is your opportunity to pull out all the stops on the foul mouth express. Unless your role playing calls for it, avoid clinical terms (like penis). If you’re at a loss, do some research. Both of the books recommended below have lists of words. But you can do research online, by reading some raunchy erotica, or in some cases watching porn (although the dirty talk in porn tends to be unimaginative). You may even want to turn to something like the Urban Dictionary although the slang there may be more funny than hot.
- Practice On Your Own
Carol Queen, author of the highly recommended
Exhibitionism for the Shy, suggests starting on your own, talking dirty while you masturbate. Fantasize about having sex with your partner and talking dirty to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud.
- Establish Ground Rules
One of the reasons many of us don’t talk dirty is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a partner. It’s important to set some ground rules when you’re willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your partner is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.
- Start Slow
Don’t feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with dirty talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like "I love the way your hand feels in my..." or "your...feels so good on/in my..." Describe what’s happening and how it feels in your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you’re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.
- Experiment with Your Voice
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage, while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.
- Make Dirty Talk a Two Way Conversation
Once you’ve taken the risk and initiated talking dirty with your partner, ask them to do the same. It isn’t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn’t already know.